With Holes in the Bottom

You want to know why you're here?

Okay, fair enough

Grab a couch cushion
Nicky, grab me a beer
The nice one on the top shelf of the fridge
Not the one on the bottom
Those are just everyday beers
I need a story-telling beer

Well, you're here because of holes
All sorts of...holes

Black holes
Pot holes
Assholes
But especially
Holes in the bottom

You see, your mother
Who is at work
Who works very hard
And nobody's saying she doesn't
But--your mother--YOUR--mother
In case you were thinking maybe she was hahahaha my mother
Oh shit, anyway--
She had a lot of boyfriends
Back in high school
And I was one of them
Assholes--I mentioned 'assholes' right?

Then one night, I'm taking her out
Driving her
We hit a pothole
She goes flying
Wasn't wearing her seat belt
Always wear your seat belts, James
Thanks Nicky
Sit down--this concerns you too

Anyway, we hit a pot hole
Kills my front tire, driver's side
And I have to have the car towed
Back to my house

Your mom comes with me
Sees the house
Your grandpa's house
That's key here
Your GRANDPA'S house
Which, as you know, is very nice
And your mother thinks--

Ohhhhhhhhhh
Ca-CHING

So that night
She makes her move
But not before
She pokes holes
Holes--remember
In my, uh--
Well, it's always awkward talking to your kids
About stuff like this, but--

My sweater vest
She poked a hole in the sleeve
You get what I'm saying?

And me--being an asshole
'Asshole'
Don't supply my own--sweater vest
And so, we, uh...
And then along comes you
And then your Mom and I get married
And then you follow shortly thereafter

Into this--what I like to call
'Black hole'
That is our current living situation
Because what your mother didn't count on
Was your grandpa telling me
I could make my own money
The same way he made his

By renting slums
To naive immigrants
Is what I'm guessing he meant
I don't know for sure
Because I was yelling obscenities into his face
When he was trying to explain it all to me

The only thing you need to take from all this, James
Is that life is a series of holes

Holes you fall in
And holes you don't

Your entire life
Is about
Avoiding
The holes

So find them
And hop
Right
Over
Them

Got it?

Good

Now go do your homework

Fifth grade
Is a crucial point
In a child's life

You're very impressionable at this age
You gotta make sure
You learn everything you need to learn
Before it's too late

Trust me on this, James

Trust me