Name, age, race
Kingdom of origin
Only applicable if not a wandering horde
If a wandering horde
Where did you wander last
And/or what was the last village you sacked?
Are you interested in pillaging and plundering
Or merely pillaging?
Would you describe yourselves as distinctly angry
Or just entitled?
How long, on average, does it take you
To sack a village?
Do you feel the need to burn everything to the ground
Once you're done
Or do you prefer to occupy for a few months
And enjoy the spoils of your victory?
If you occupy, would you be interested in marrying some of our daughters
And unwed women?
We're known, in this village, for having a bit of an over-eating epidemic
And so our girls are a bit on the larger side
Which, in turn, makes it rather impossible to marry them off to the boys from the kingdom
So if you could take one or two of them off our hands
We'd be very grateful
Please don't feel that you need to live with them here
You can take them with you
When you go marauding
To be honest, we'd insist on it
Our food supply is diminishing by the minute
Also, are you intimidated by aggressive women?
In addition to being rather large
Our girls are also, for some inexplicable reason
Rather...amorous
They've been known to drag men kicking and screaming into their huts
And not let them out for hours on end
When the poor men do finally emerge
They look as if they've seen the Ghost of Princess Constance
And they walk with a pronounced limp
For days afterwards
We just thought we'd warn you
Before you go storming the gates
So to speak
We don't actually have gates
They were stolen from us by the last band of thieves
Along with all our currency
And most of our goats
You aren't looking for goats, are you?
We wouldn't want you to get your hopes up
We do have a cow
But she's very old
And she only has one leg
You see there was this incident with the--
Well, sign here if you'd like a copy of the incident report
Involving a cow
It'll take the Village Recorder a week or so to write it out
As it was a complicated and ultimately quite tragic situation
If not somewhat humorous as well
We'd ask that you not take the cow
Not because we get any use out of her
But because she doesn't travel well
She gets very sick and--
Well, there's the missing leg of course
If you're interested in speaking to our leader
To negotiate some sort of settlement
Or the terms listed in the contract
Attached to this form
Which you can read or not
Most of us haven't
But that's only because we don't want to read
Anyway, if you want to talk to our leader
Check the box, and we'll elect one
We haven't had a need for one in years
Since the band of thieves came through
You see, without currency, livestock
Or any sort of valuables
We've sort of just been ambling along
Waiting to die off
Not that we're not a fun group!
We're a bucket of laughs
When you get us at the right time
And we're sure the right time will be
Whenever you decide to invade
At this point, an invasion would actually be the only thing
That would stop us from fading into oblivion
We're hoping you'll either absorb all of us into your horde
Or just kill us and put us out of our misery
If you'd like to kill us and put us out of our misery
Please initial here
We look forward to your arrival
And we ask that you not make too much noise
If you happen to show up after nine pm
When the large women pass out every night
After dining on whatever they can get their hands on
And making love to all the eligible tiny men of the village
We're sure you're a terrifying bunch of hooligans
But take our word for it, please--
Do not wake up those women
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