Eighteen Months

I know I only had eighteen months
I know, I know that

And I know you only want to talk for five minutes
And I know you're into numbers
So I'll keep this
Y'know, numerical
And all

I was with your mom for a long time
A really long time
Years, I get that, years
And I get that you
As our child
Became very, very upset
When I left
I completely understand that

And I want you to know
That I wouldn't have left
For just anybody
I didn't have a mid-life crisis
Men have mid-life crises
I'm a lesbian
We have our crises very early on in life
Like, when we're twelve
We freak out
And buy a new bike
And date an eleven-year-old
And that's it
That's our crisis

We get it right out of our system
Just like that

Now--

There was someone I loved very much
And she left me, when I was young
When we were both young
Young, like you are now
Young, where most people make ninety-nine percent
Of their mistakes
She left me
And I met your mom
And your mom is great
She's amazing
She's far too good of a woman for me
And we adopted you
And you're great
Of course, I mean, even when you hate me
Like you do now
You're still pretty great
And we built this amazing life together
All of us, our family
And I was so confident
That nothing could threaten that

And then the woman I loved came back
She came back into the picture
And I decided to leave
I did
I left your mom
I left you
I threw away my entire life
For somebody I loved
More than half my life ago

And eighteen months later
She died

And I know how vindicated you all felt
You thought it was some sign from the Universe
That I had, indeed, made the wrong decision
And now I was being punished
Because now I was going to be alone
And that'd show me, right?
That'd teach me
And the big question
The question you and your mother
And your grandmother
And my friends--

What you all wanted to know was--

Would I come crawling back?

And I know that's what you think this is
Me crawling back

Well, bad news, babe
That's not what this is

This is me giving you a message
Without shame
Without fear
Not from some place of hubris or pride
This is me saying to you
My child
Who I fucking love
More than anybody has ever loved anything

This is me trying to, I don't know
Impart some sort of wisdom to you
In the likely scenario
That you never speak to me again

Okay, you listening?
Because I think the five minutes are almost up
I wasn't really paying attention
It doesn't matter
I'm still one of your damn mothers
So here it goes:

If you get the chance to have eighteen months of happiness
But it's going to cost you whatever else you've had and will have
For the rest of you life--

Choose the eighteen months

I realize that's not the most parental thing I could say to you
But hey, why start acting parental now, right?

Here's something you might not have known:

When that woman showed up at our doorstep
Before she even told me
That she still loved me
She told me she had cancer
And that she was scared
And that she didn't want to be alone
And would I give up everything to be with her
Knowing I wasn't going to get her for long?

And I said 'Hell yes'
And I'm sorry, but I don't regret it
I don't

These past eighteen months
I have missed you and your mother so much
But I have also been happier in a way
In a place
In a part of myself
That I gave up on a long time ago

So I'm telling you, all right
I'm telling you--

If you find something
Someone
Anything
That makes you happy like that
You burn down the fucking farmhouse
To hang onto it
For as long as you can

That's it

That's my mother advice

You need to know anything else, well--
You know where to find me