Where the Paycheck Goes

The first part of the paycheck goes right to the credit card bills
Bills that aren't going down, but up
Isn't that weird?

It has something to do with interest
And something to do with how much I can pay per month
Just to keep my credit in somewhat decent shape
But the interest swells, gets swollen
Like a big, fat, infected something
And one day just paying the minimum will be too much
Because my original debt
Will have ingested too much interest

Then there are the household necessities
Keeping the water on
Keeping the heat on
Keeping hope alive that it'll get warmer sooner
So we can do away with heat altogether
Even though something tells me
That's not going to be the case this year

The lights have to stay on
The television has to stay on
Yes, the television
The kids aren't going to grow up in a house without television
As long as I can give them television
I feel like they aren't completely deprived

The car is a piece of shit, but it runs
And because it's a piece of shit
It's paid off, but it could also die any minute
So I cross my fingers
And pay for an oil change
Just so I can fool myself into thinking
It's just an average car that needs average servicing
Instead of a total overhaul
At the Frankenstein lab

Food is expensive
Well, not food individually
That's how they trick you
This is only five dollars
And that's only five dollars
And hey, how did I end up spending three hundred dollars
And coming home with bags full of junk?

No more taking the kids food shopping

They love it, but the last time we all went together
I came this close to telling Amy
She could have the fancy yogurt
Or new shoes for school
But just hearing the words in my head made me so depressed
I not only bought her the yogurt
But I bought myself some gourmet ice cream
And charged the whole damn thing

...And the interest goes up, and up, and...

The rent has to be paid on the first of the month
The landlord is a nice old man
But that's because I always pay on time
Knowing full well that the day will come when I can't pay on time
And then the very nice landlord will do what all the other landlords did
When I fell behind

He'll turn into the ogre
With the eviction papers

I tell myself not this time
This time I've got it all figured out

But then I look at the paycheck
And the numbers...

They just don't add up

I could get help, I guess
But why should I?

I work
I work a lot
I work hard

Nothing against people who get help
Let 'em, if they need it
But do I need it?
Should I need it?

I'm not interested in getting all political about it
I just want to know

I want to know why I can't make this work
The money, the bills, what I have to do
With the little I have

I don't want to talk about my dreams
Because who cares, right?
But don't think I never had dreams

Now the dream is--
Not to get kicked out until summer
When you can get a cheap place downtown
Once the students move out

The dream is getting two more months out of the car
One more month with the lights on
Until they figure out I've been short-changing them on the bill

One more night
Where my kids go to sleep
Feeling full and satisfied
And not sitting up with their eyes open
Because they're worried about me
Because they can hear me crying
In the next room

The paycheck comes and goes so fast
It's hard to even look forward to it
To those paydays
Where I can hold that crisp piece of paper
In my hands

Sometimes, when I first get it
I look at it
And pretend that it doesn't have to go anywhere
That I can spend it however I want
On whatever I want

That I don't have bills or debt or anything to worry about
Besides me and my kids

That I can blow the whole thing
And it won't matter

I let the fantasy of that sit in my brain
Like sugar in coffee
Until it dissolves

And then I sit down at my kitchen table
With my pile of notices
From this one and that one

And I start
Watching it all
Go