Bandit Sings

Tonight I’m singing at Heads ‘N Tails

Which I’m sort of nervous about

Because it’ll be my first time performing

After being neutered

Like, I have no idea

What my voice is going to sound like

I’ve done some warming up

And everything feels like

It’s still pretty much the same

But my boy Skippy

Got snip-pyed

And now he’s a tenor

But not a pop tenor

Just, like, a tenor tenor

So, yeah, he can still sing

But now he has to sing about sad stuff

And young love

And he’s six-years-old

So nobody’s buying that

Back before I got cut

I would never have played a dump

Like Heads and Tails

I sold out six shows

At Kibbles and Hits

And Wag mag said

I was the next chapter

In American canine music

But then my owner

Put me in the car

And said we were going

To the park

And like an idiot

I got in the backseat

All excited

Only to wake up

With a cone on my head

And no more…

Well, you know how it goes

I didn’t even bother

Trying to call my agent

She doesn’t represent

Neutered pets

Oh, it’s not like an official policy of hers

But everybody knows

She doesn’t return your calls

Once you lose your b--

You get it

I was pretty much a pup again

At least from a professional standpoint

Which meant starting back at the beginning

Cold-calling venues

Offering to work for treat tickets

Opening for…

Cats

Heads and Tails is still top

Of the bottom shelf

And considering this is my comeback

I can’t complain that it took me

A third of what-will-probably-be-my-lifetime

To get back here again

But the booker for H&T

Asked me if I can still do

All the old chart-toppers

And I said ‘Ruff!’

But, between you and me?

I’m not sure

When I vocalize

I still have the top

Of the bottom part

Of my range

But that’s by myself

When I’m feeling good

And my human’s given me
Bottled water

Instead of making me drink tap

It’s not in front of a real audience

With critics

And people who remember

The dog I used to be

It’s not just my voice either

My memory isn’t what it used to be

So I have to keep the lyrics nearby

And my free-wheeling banter

With the audience

Feels more forced than it used to

Which could be my insecurity

Or just the changing cultural dynamics

Of live performance

I picture myself up there onstage tonight

Completely frozen

Staring out into the crowd

Tongue hanging out

That itch behind my ear happening

At the same time as the itch

On my tummy

They’re all waiting for me to sing

And I can’t

I just can’t

A lot of dogs retire

After their surgery

But I just wasn’t ready

To hang it up

It’s not like I’m trying to learn new tricks

I’m just trying to learn

How to be me again

But does anybody even remember

Exactly who that was?

Do I?

Older dogs who’ve been where I am

Would tell me to just take a seat

On a pile of dirt in the audience

And let some other pooch

Have the spotlight

And maybe they’re be right

About that

But when I think about some of those songs

My tail starts wagging

And it…

It just won’t stop

A dog’s gotta trust his tail, you know?

If nothing else

I gotta believe in that