(A martial arts studio. TONY is addressing the CHILDREN.)
TONY: --But mostly, it's about not taking advantage of your new skills.
(CARLY raises her hand.)
TONY: Yes, Carly?
CARLY: When do we learn how to defend ourselves against zombies?
TONY: Uh, well, that's not--that's not something we really teach here.
CARLY: Do you take a more antagonistic approach to zombies? Kill them before they kill you?
TONY: Uh--
(BILLY raises his hand.)
TONY: Yes, Billy?
BILLY: Should you look a man in the eyes while you're strangling him?
TONY: We, uh, we don't strangle here, Billy.
BILLY: Right, so, like, when the knife's going in him--
TONY: No, no, no. No knives. Never knives. Billy, this a martial arts class for eight-year-olds, we--
BILLY: Sorry Sensei Tony, I'm so dumb. I forgot we'd probably be using swords.
CARLY: How many zombies can you impale on a sword at once?
TONY: Uh--
(LARISSA raises her hand.)
TONY: Larissa, yes?
LARISSA: Do you really think violence is the answer, Sensei Tony?
TONY: I--in regards to what?
LARISSA: Like what we're doing here?
TONY: Well, martial arts isn't about violence, Larissa. It's actually about everything but violence--
LARISSA: Um, that's just confusing to me, because we spend a lot of time hitting each other and not a lot of time talking about the perpetuation of animosity in our culture.
CARLY: She's going to die first when the zombies show up.
LARISSA: I just want us to think about why we're hitting each other.
TONY: It's much more complicated than just hitting each other, Larissa.
BILLY: Yeah, like the sword play.
TONY: There isn't going to be any sword play.
BILLY: So just shove it right in and aim for the heart?
CARLY: Zombies don't have hearts. You'd have to shove it through their skull.
TONY: I--Wow.
LARISSA: Sensei Tony, what color belt do you get when you learn to mediate?
TONY: What?
LARISSA: I think there should be a mauve belt for when you figure out how to solve a problem without chopping somebody in half.
BILLY: When do we learn how to chop someone in half?
CARLY: A lot of zombies are already cut in half because their bodies are constantly decomposing.
BILLY: Gross.
CARLY: It's not gross. It's science.
LARISSA: Would getting a black belt be the easiest way for me to dismantle the system of aggression at work here? Kind of a working-from-the-outside-in sort of thing?
TONY: We were just going to kicks today.
BILLY: In the throat?
CARLY: Sensei Tony, have you ever kicked a zombie? Their skin is essentially paper. Your foot is going to go in one end and out the other. I just don't think it's wise.
TONY: Carly, zombies aren't real!
(A beat.)
CARLY: I would like to speak to your manager.
TONY: I own this place, Carly.
CARLY: My mother is not paying you every week so that you can sit here and tell me that climate change isn't real.
TONY: Climate change is real. Zombies aren't.
CARLY: I fail to see the difference.
TONY: You don't see the difference between global warming and the undead walking among us?
BILLY: You bring up a good point, Sensei Tony. With food scarcity on the horizon, we might want to dispense with your little girly kicks--
LARISSA: Oh, that terminology is--
BILLY: --And get right to crushing people's windpipes.
TONY: That's not what we teach here, Billy.
BILLY: Okay, we'll do it Larissa's way. First we'll talk to them and then do some deep breathing and on their last inhale, we punch them in the throat. Sound good?
LARISSA: I'm willing to negotiate.
TONY: Seriously?
LARISSA: I'm not a wrecking ball, Sensei Tony. I didn't come here to blow up the house--
TONY: That's not what wrecking balls--
LARISSA: --I came here to take it apart brick-by-brick. I'm eight-and-a-half. I've got nothing but time, and my Dad pays for these lessons, so--
CARLY: I still can't believe you're trying to convince us there aren't any zombies.
TONY: Carly, have you ever seen a zombie?
CARLY: In the wild, no?
TONY: In the--
BILLY: Sensei Tony, I agree with you when you say that there's only a seventy percent chance zombies are real--
TONY: Those numbers are--
BILLY: But we're all here today because we like to be prepared for anything.
LARISSA: That's true. It's why I'm so disappointed you don't offer reiki.
BILLY: Sensei Tony, we're growing up in a terrifying world. I think it's great that you want to teach us to be responsible with our innate destructive instincts, but--
TONY: Didn't say innate--
BILLY: --But really, we need to know about survival.
TONY: Billy, that's not what martial arts is about.
LARISSA: So it's not about murdering people with machetes--
BILLY: It's not?
LARISSA: And it's not about how you can take down a terrorist using acupuncture--
BILLY: Well, yeah, they're just little needles. One in the eye and--
LARISSA: Sensei Tony, you're on the fence. And as Dr. King once said, "Get off the fence, Sensei Tony."
(CARLY raises her hand.)
CARLY: May I speak?
TONY: I really wish you wouldn't, but--
CARLY: Sensei Tony, I didn't want to bring this up, but people have told me that your brother-in-law is a zombie.
TONY: I'm an only child.
CARLY: Be that as it may, if you teaching us to murder zombies presents a conflict of interest--
TONY: Okay, everybody line up.
BILLY: Why?
TONY: We're going to do a more advanced exercise. I typically wait until much later to do it, but I really just want you all to shut up.
LARISSA: You think showing us some trick is going to get us to--
TONY: I can teach you how to chop wood in half.
(The CHILDREN gasp.)
BILLY: For real?
CARLY: Real wood?
LARISSA: Is it locally sourced? Was the tree already dead when you took its soul from it? Can you take a video of me doing it so I can show my dad?
TONY: Works every time.
The End
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