What Michelle Pfeiffer Thinks of While She’s Making Love to Her Husband

I was so hot as Catwoman

I wonder if I can still

Fit into the suit

Remember when I put

That bird in my mouth?

I really did that

A live bird

Right in my mouth

My god, I was a badass

Everybody just thought

I was pretty

And then I was like--

Oh yeah, motherfuckers?
Watch me put a bird

In my mouth

I had a whip

I had little ears

I had Michael Keaton’s chest hair

In a little box

That got lost

When I moved to Malibu

I had it all

You know who I should have

Shacked up with?

Anthony Edwards

I don’t know

What it was about him

But every time I watched e.r.

I would think--

Screw George Clooney

I want Dr. Greene

A man is no fun

Unless you can intimidate him

Like when Oliver Stone

Tried to explain to me

How the moon landing was fake

And I took off my shoes

And made him smell them

Right in the middle of Ponderosa Steakhouse

God, David takes forever these days

I’d offer to get on top

But he says when I do that

He’s ‘overwhelmed by my beauty’

That is such bullshit

It’s because when we do it missionary style

He can pretend I’m Nicole Kidman

She’s not even

That much younger than me

I wouldn’t mind if he pictured

Shailene Woodley while we’re having sex

But Nicole?

I mean, she’s perfectly nice

But she wouldn’t be my first go-to

While I’m having sex

With my life

The last time we made love

I pictured Laura Dern

The whole time

And before I knew it

My entire body was shaking

Am I bisexual?

No, I think it’s just

Because she has an Oscar now

I doubt it has anything to do

With sexual attraction

Rami Malek never did

Anything for me

Before he won

And now all I can think about

Are those little serial killer bug eyes

Staring down at me

Whispering creepy shit like--

I really loved you

In The Witches of Eastwick

David really needs

To wrap this up

I have an early day

On set tomorrow

It’s going to take them

Four hours

Just to get me into

That superhero suit

And two more hours

To explain the plot

To Michael Douglas

I guess I shouldn’t complain

It used to take

Eight hours

To get me into
That catsuit

Hmmm…

I have an idea

What if I just

Pull David close

And very softly

Into his ear

Whisper the word--

Meow