Regarding My New Owners

Hi! Hey there

This is Montgomery

How are you?

Is that Lucinda?

Heyyyy Lucinda

How you doing?

How are the kids?

Matt still having trouble

With those allergies?

Gosh, that’s tough

Ugh, if it’s not one thing

It’s another, right?

Anyyyyyway, uh--

To get right down to it

Soooo I’m sure you know
I was adopted last week

Yes, thank you, thank you, um, but--

I don’t know

If you all were aware of this

When you released me

From the shelter

But, um, apparently

My new owners

Are...straight

Yeah, yeah, I know

Right, well, I guess

What happened

Is that Trevor

Who came in

And did the whole, you know

The whole process

I guess, Sara,

You know Sara

Yeah, god love her

She hadn’t been there that long

And she, uh, I guess

Made some assumptions

About Trevor

Which, believe me,

I would have made the same assumptions

Based on how his cuticles look

But, uh, she made an assumption

And then a suggestion

About what kind of dog

He should bring home

Assuming that at home

There would be, uh, another man

And it turns out

There is not another man

There is...Cindy

Now, um--

I don’t want to disparage Cindy

Because, you know, she means well

But I am, as you’re aware, uh,

A very selective breed

And I cannot just--go live with

Straight people

That is not going to be good for me

It’s not going to be good for them

I need a lot of attention
And love

And I need a guarantee

That they aren’t going to slip up

And pop out a few kids

And there are just a lot of risks here

That I’m not willing to take

Listen, Lucinda,

I’m not saying straight people

Shouldn’t be allowed

To have pets

But that’s why there are birds

And iguanas

And poisonous snakes

I think we can both agree

That they do not belong

Owning dogs

Cindy recently tried

To put me in a sweater

A sweater

I have never come so close

To biting someone in my life

And I don’t want to see myself

Turn into

That kind of dog

That’s not the dog I am, Lucinda

You know me

I’m laid back

I’m calm

But I really need you

To get me the hell out of here

I belong with a nice gay couple

Who can take me everywhere

Even on vacation

And give me a reasonable name

Because while I’m not married

To being Montgomery

For the rest of my life

I refuse to be called Skippy

I am not a Skippy

I don’t even know

What a Skippy is

So, if you could just

Send someone here

To come retrieve me

That would be great

Hey, listen

Trust me

I get it

It’s easy for Sara

Or you

Or anyone at the shelter

To make a mistake

You’re only human