Interlude: Full

Outside of the advantage

I find myself

Laying still

Having been so close

To somebody

And then experiencing

That feeling

Of…

Wanting to be alone

Forever

Or for what feels

Like forever

When forever

Goes by

In a second

In a minute

In ten minutes

Too much of you

And I’m too tired

Too happy

Too overwhelmed

I need to do so much

I need to activate

I need to get up

I need to make the most

Of a night

That’s pacing itself

But which won’t be around

Forever

It was dark when you got here

Because it gets dark

So early now

But when you left

It felt darker

I wanted light

So I went around the house

Turning on

Every lamp

Every switch

Every overhead

I wanted the place

To feel full of life

But light

Was as close

As I could get

I turn on the television

I turn up the volume

I play music on my phone

I run all the faucets

I create noise

But noise in an empty house

Feels like being haunted

So I go around

And I turn everything off

But I open the blinds

And I try to make myself

Feel vulnerable

I unlock the front door

And then I open it

I open every door

Every window

It’s freezing

I get under the blankets

In my bed

And try to see

If there’s anything

Worth being afraid of

In the middle of the night

I jolt up in bed

And feel how many

Risks

I’d allowed in

But I couldn’t get up

And shut the doors

And the windows

Because it was cold

And I felt safe

As long as I stayed

Where I was

The blankets

Still smelled

Like your cologne

And my phone

Was still

In the living room

Where I’d left it

Back when it was playing music

And nothing else

I picture you texting me

Calling me

Trying to get ahold of me

Because you’d want to come back

You’d feel wrong

Being away from me

And you’d get in your car

And drive, early in the morning

Before the commuters

And the school buses

Are on the road

You’d get to the house

See the front door open

Panic, and rush in

Only to find me

Right where

You left me

You’d feel so relieved

And so would I

Knowing

You were back

That you were back

And you

Were never

Going

To leave