The Idris Pod

      (NOELLE is on the phone with CARA.)

NOELLE: I just find it so irresponsible that people are leaving their house.

CARA:  Well, some people have to work.

NOELLE:  Work from home! Not the doctors, they're heroes.

CARA:  I mean, not everyone can--

NOELLE:  Hang on, I just need to see if my DoorDash is here.  Uhhhh it's not, okay. But yeah, I just can't believe people are taking all these unnecessary risks.

CARA:  Yeah.

NOELLE:  I know people who are eating in restaurants, going out on dates--

CARA:  Oh, speaking of dates--

NOELLE:  Cara, please, I know you're always trying to set me up, but I am not doing anything social until after every single person on the planet takes the vaccine, including the millions of people who insist they're not taking it.

CARA:  But once you take it, does it really matter if they--

NOELLE:  Don't play semantics with me, Cara. I've made my decision. I'm doing what's right for humanity.

CARA:  Okay, I respect that. I'll just tell Idris you're not interested.

     (A beat.)

NOELLE:  Idris?

CARA:  Remember when I took that trip to Ibiza last November?

NOELLE:  Yeah.

CARA:  Remember the amazing ceviche I had there?

NOELLE:  Yes. You talked about it for months.

CARA:  Well, I forgot to mention that I also met Idris Elba.

NOELLE:  You forgot to mention that?

CARA:  We swapped numbers, but you know I don't really like guys with lots of muscle, so he's just not my type, but he's a great guy, and he asked me if I had any friends.

NOELLE:  Uh huh.

CARA:  And so I thought of you.

NOELLE:  Uh huh.

CARA:  But if you're not comfortable with it--

NOELLE:  Um, well, okay, so--Maybe we could do a date, like, post-vaccine or--

CARA:  Oh Noelle, I don't think that'll work. Idris is really lonely.

NOELLE:  He is?

CARA:  He is.  He's been telling me how much he needs the touch of a woman.

NOELLE:  Oh wow, um, okay. So you'd--set him up with someone else then?

CARA:  Yeah. I mean, as you can imagine, lots of people are interested.

NOELLE:  Yeah, I can imagine that.

CARA:  So maybe I'll call Dana or Cindy--

NOELLE:  Okay, but, um, this is so irresponsible, Cara. I mean, we're not supposed to be doing stuff like--

CARA:  Hey listen, I'm not the one going on dates with him. I'm just facilitating the dates. If Idris wants to be bad, he's going to be bad.

NOELLE:  I bet Idris loves being bad, doesn't he?

CARA:  Oh yeah, he's a bad boy.

NOELLE:  Um, well, you know, maybe we could work out, like, a pod situation?

CARA:  Where you'd be in his pod/

NOELLE:  Yeah!

CARA:  Noelle, you haven't seen your friends in a year.

NOELLE:  Yeah, but that's because I don't like them. I don't even really like going outside. This has all actually been great for me, believe it or not.

CARA:  But you've been complaining so much.

NOELLE:  Well, I mean, I love complaining. And I still don't want to be reckless. But if Idris is open to me being in his pod--

CARA:  He doesn't have a pod.

NOELLE:  No pod?

CARA:  No pod.

NOELLE:  But he's rich. He can afford a pod.

CARA:  He doesn't want to have a pod. He wants to live dangerously.

NOELLE:  That's so bad!

CARA:  I know.

NOELLE:  And so hot.

CARA:  I know.

NOELLE:  What does he want to do?

CARA:  He wants to go to indoor restaurants.

NOELLE:  NO!  I have posted WAY too many Facebook statuses shaming people who do that to do it now.

CARA:  He doesn't even want you to wear a mask.

NOELLE:  Why is Idris Elba so uncaring?

CARA:  He's not uncaring, he's just...naughty.

NOELLE:  Stop using words that make him sound hotter when he's really just being a jerk.

CARA:  So I should tell him you're not interested?

NOELLE:  You cannot tell him that.

CARA:  So I should tell him you are?

NOELLE:  Is he going to want to take photos with me? Maybe if nobody sees me out and about with him--

CARA:  I guess if you don't want proof that you're dating Idris Elba--

NOELLE:  NO! That doesn't work either.

CARA:  Listen, this is nuts. Dating Idris Elba and making everybody else jealous over it is not worth putting your life at risk. Right?

NOELLE:  Oh, I don't care about my life. I care about maintaing the moral high ground. It's all I have left.

CARA:  What's important to you?  Maintaining the online personality you've created as a responsible person when you're still getting food delivered to you everyday and you snuck out to see a movie last week--

NOELLE:  How did you--

CARA:  I was on my way to get tested and saw you pulling into the AMC.

NOELLE:  I just wanted the popcorn so bad. I didn't even like the movie.

CARA:  --Or! Date the most beautiful man on earth and just admit that you're flexible with all this when it suits you?

     (A beat.)

NOELLE:  Is he willing to move in with me and we can say that we're both getting tested regularly even when we're not?

CARA:  Oh Noelle.

NOELLE:  Hang on, I think my grocery delivery is here.

     End of Play