No Posting

     (A game show set.  One host--MARK--and two contestants--STEVE and RACHEL.)

MARK:  Okay, we've got our final two contestants here with us on No Posting.  How are you two feeling?

STEVE:  I feel great, Mark.

RACHEL:  I've been better.

MARK:  That's swell.  Now, we've come to most gut-wrenching part of our game.  We're going to offer our contestants--Steve and Rachel--two prize packages that are theirs to keep--provided they strike an agreement with us about what they can and can't post about on social media regarding those prizes.  Steve and Rachel, are you ready?

STEVE:  I'm ready, Mark.

RACHEL:  I'd like to leave now.

MARK:  Too late for that, Rachel.  Steve, we'll start with you.  We're sending you on a European vacation for the next three weeks.

STEVE:  That's incredible!

MARK:  But you can't post on social media about it.

STEVE:  Right, I forgot that part.

MARK:  Let's start negotiating, Steve.

STEVE:  Okay, uh, what if I only post when I'm in Italy.

MARK:  So you won't post a photo of yourself with the Eiffel Tower?

STEVE:  That is NOT in Italy?

MARK:  No, it's in France.

STEVE:  What if I only post while I'm in Italy and France?

MARK:  So you won't post a photo of yourself standing in front of Buckingham Palace?

STEVE:  Are you just making up stuff now?

MARK:  We'll come back to you, Steve.  Rachel!

RACHEL:  Have you decided to kill me?

MARK:  No!  Actually, we're going to pay for your wedding.

RACHEL:  Are you kidding?  That's amazing.  I've been so worried and--

MARK:  But you can't post about it.

RACHEL:  ...What?

MARK:  No posting!

RACHEL:  I can't post...about my wedding?

MARK:  If you let us pay for it, then no.

RACHEL:  What about the photos?

MARK:  So you're negotiating?

RACHEL:  Yeah, yeah, yeah--the photos.  Can I post the photos?

MARK:  Wellllllll maybe we could let you post the photos.

RACHEL:  Okay, I feel like if I can do that--

MARK:  But nothing about how much you love your soon-to-be husband.

RACHEL:  I feel like I can live with that.

MARK:  And no video of you dancing with your dad.

RACHEL:  That is so cruel.  My father has never gotten more than twenty likes on anything and this could be his big chance.

MARK:  Now, Rachel--

RACHEL:  We learned this hip hop routine and we are going to go viral and I AM NOT GIVING THAT UP.

MARK:  Let's go back to Steve.

STEVE:  Can I post photos of me mountain-climbing?

MARK:  You're a mountain-climber?

STEVE:  Isn't that what you do in Europe?

MARK:  Uh, sure--and you know what?  We WILL let you post about that.

RACHEL:  Ugh.

MARK:  That's right, Rachel, ugh.  If Steve agrees to our deal--

STEVE:  I think I can.  I think if I can post in Italy, France, and--

MARK:  But no food pics.

STEVE:  No food pics???  In Europe?

RACHEL:  This game is designed by monsters.

MARK:  And no photos of your wedding cake, Rachel.

RACHEL:  But it's being made by sequestered nuns!

STEVE:  Why?

RACHEL:  Why not?

MARK:  Rachel, can you agree to our terms?

RACHEL:  Can I...oh god, I'm going to pass out.

MARK:  If you do, we can't let you post about it.

RACHEL:  Okay, then never mind.

MARK:  Steve, how we doing, buddy?

STEVE:  Can I post when I come back from the trip about what a life-changing experience it was and how I feel like a different person who's ready to start thinking about myself and not just other people?

MARK:  Unfortunately, we can't you do that.

STEVE:  Oh, then I'm all set.  Pay for her wedding.

RACHEL:  Yes!  Wait!  Can I post about my dress?

MARK:  No.

RACHEL:  Send him to Europe.

STEVE:  What's the point?

RACHEL:  What's the point in anything?

MARK:  These prizes are going to be off the table in a minute--

STEVE:  Can I post a photo of myself by a pool knowing full well it's snowing back home?

MARK:  No.

RACHEL:  Can I post every year on my anniversary even though it's also my little sister's birthday and I'll basically be stealing her thunder for the rest of her life?

MARK:  No, and also, you're a terrible person.

RACHEL:  I don't need you judging me, Mark, we're playing a game here.

STEVE:  What if I meet someone and fall in love?

MARK:  Can't post about it.

RACHEL:  Mark, I'll make an agreement with you.

MARK:  That's what we're--

RACHEL:  I won't post about my kids.

MARK and STEVE:  What?

RACHEL:  If I have them.  When I have them.  I won't post about them.  Just let me have my wedding--let me post about it as much as I want, and...I won't post about my kids.

MARK:  Ever?

RACHEL:  Ever.

MARK:  Rachel, we have it on pretty good authority that your children are going to be adorable, say clever things, and more than one of them is going to get into an Ivy League school.

RACHEL:  Oh god, that's terrible.

STEVE:  I won't post when my loved ones die.

RACHEL:  What?!?!

STEVE:  From now on, when someone I know dies, I will grieve privately and with dignity.

RACHEL:  You're disgusting.

STEVE:  Just let me go to Europe and post anything I want.  I want to take my picture with the pyramids.

RACHEL:  The pyramids are in Africa.

STEVE:  Nice try, Rachel, but I know they're in Egypt.

RACHEL:  Which is in--you know what?  Forget it.

MARK:  Well, those are some good offers, but ultimately, I think we have to go with...

     (A beat.)

MARK:  Rachel.

RACHEL:  Yes!

MARK:  The fact that you're never going to be able to post about your kid winning a Nobel Prize really sealed the deal for us.

RACHEL:  Wait, my kid wins a Nobel Prize?

MARK:  And you can't brag about it.  Good job, Rachel.

RACHEL:  I--oh no.

MARK:  Join us next time for another episode of No Posting!

     (RACHEL cries as the credits roll.)