Until the Primaries

(A dinner table.)

MOM:  Now remember, no talking about politics.

DAD:  Agreed.  Kids?

SON:  Sure.

DAUGHTER:  No problem.

MOM:  It’s not that I don’t want you all being political.

It’s just that there’s no reason to do it so early on.

We’re nowhere near the primaries yet, and I want to

have a nice summer.  Once September is here, then

you can talk about the candidate you want for as long

as you want, all right?

DAD:  Agreed.  Kids?

SON:  Sure.

DAUGHTER:  No problem.

MOM:  Wonderful.  Now, how was school?

SON:  I like Bernie Sanders.

MOM:  Oh god.

SON:  Sorry.  That just came out.

DAUGHTER:  Liar.

SON:  Mom!

DAD:  Now, son, you asked for that by not

respecting the rule we all agreed to.

SON:  But--

DAD:  Just keep the conversation away

from politics, all right?

SON:  Fine.

DAD:  Daughter, how was your day?

DAUGHTER:  It was okay.  We learned

about how Elizabeth Warren would fix

everything if she gets the nomination.

SON:  She wouldn’t win!

DAUGHTER:  How do you know who

would win?  You liked Jill Stein!

SON:  I didn’t think she could win!

DAUGHTER:  Then why did you--

MOM:  Enough!

SON/DAUGHTER:  Sorry./Sorry Mom.

MOM:  I ask for one thing from you kids

and you can’t even do that.

DAD:  Your mother’s right.  Now if you were

this excited about Joe Biden I could understand

but--

MOM:  Really?

DAD:  I know, I’m breaking the rule.

MOM:  No, I mean--Joe Biden?  Really?

SON:  He’s my second choice.

DAUGHTER:  Who’s your third choice?

Nixon’s ghost?

SON:  Nixon’s ghost would win!

DAUGHTER:  You have no idea who’s

going to win.

MOM:  I can’t believe I slaved over

putting the food from the take-out

containers onto the good plates

just for this.

DAUGHTER:  Mom, who are you--

MOM:  I’m not answering that.

SON:  Just give us a hint.

MOM:  It’s too soon.

DAD:  Is it Joe--

MOM:  IT WILL NEVER BE JOE BIDEN.

Unless he’s the nominee.

SON/DAUGHTER:  Right./If that’s who

it is.

DAUGHTER:  What about Senator Harris?

SON:  I have issues with her history on

criminalization.

DAUGHTER:  What history?

SON:  I don’t know.  I just keep hearing she

has a history.

DAUGHTER:  Don’t you think you should do

some research?

DAD:  It’s too early to do research.  There are

conservatively eight hundred candidates.  You

can’t research them all.

SON:  I hear Senator Klobuchar stabbed an

intern.

DAD:  She could have.  We’ll never know.

DAUGHTER:  You two are morons.

MOM:  That’s no way to talk to your father.

DAUGHTER:  What about my brother?

MOM:  I guess that’s all right.

SON:  Why is nobody talking about Beto?

DAUGHTER:  I have no idea who Beto is.

SON:  YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO

BETO IS!

MOM:  Son.

SON:  Mom, make her admit she knows

who Beto is.

DAUGHTER:  But I don’t.

DAD:  She’s just lying to you, Son.  She

knows who he is.

DAUGHTER:  I don’t.

DAD:  YOU BETTER STOP LYING RIGHT

NOW!

SON:  SAY YOU LOVE BETO.

DAUGHTER:  Is he the one from Ohio?

SON/DAD:  HOW DARE YOU!/YOU

LITTLE JERK!

MOM:  Stop it!  Stop it right now!  Why

can’t we just have a nice meal without

all of you jumping down each other’s

throats?  Is this how the next year is

going to be?  Because I can’t take it.

I’m telling you right now.  I. Can’t.

Take. It.  And it doesn’t matter

anyway because when the time

comes we’re all voting for MAYOR

PETE!

(A beat.)

DAD:  Uh…

SON:  Mom.

DAUGHTER:  That’s, uh--

MOM:  More peas anyone?

The End