I Do (Cherish You)

Justin from 98 Degrees

Was a full-on

Serial killer

Now, I have absolutely

No proof of this

But I realized it

The same way people realize

They need to give their lives

To god

It was a calling

Except in this case

It was a screeching

Like screeching tires

Or the sound of someone

Trapped underneath a house

I was watching the “I Do (Cherish You)” video

And every time he would come on

My blood would run cold

And I would have the sensation

Of a million ants

Crawling all over my body

The next day at school

I kept asking everybody

If they got the same vibe from him

That I did

And they were all like--

Ohhh, I mean, he’s not my favorite

But he seems fine

That was when I figured out

That the perfect place

For a serial killer to hide

Was in a boy band

Why do you think they gave him

All the creepy talking parts

In songs?

Remember when creepy talking

Was what we used in music

In place of a bridge?

Jesus, the 90’s were terrifying

Serial killers were lurking

In wedding songs

And everybody was too preoccupied

Over whether they liked

Drew or Nick more

To care

By the way, Jeff was hotter

Than Drew and Nick

So there shouldn’t have even

Been any real debate

98 Degrees haunted me

Justin haunted me

That song haunted me

Every time one of my girlfriends

Would get married

It was always “I Do (Cherish You)”

Played at their weddings

Long after that song was popular

And whenever it would come on

Everybody would ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’

At the bride and groom

And I’d be looking around

To see if Justin was going to jump out at me

From behind the dj

In some ways it’s lucky

To have your archenemy identified for you

Early on in life

It helps steer your path

And cements who it is

You really want to be

I became a detective

So I could hunt down

The demons who stay

In plain sight

Demons like Justin from 98 Degrees

And Kevin from Backstreet Boys

And Chris from N’Sync

And Joey from N’Sync

And Lance from N’Sync

Because, yes, serial killers can be gay

It can be tough

When everyone else around you

Is like--

You’re stuck in the past

Move on

There are other cases to solve

Why do you keep saying

There are hidden messages

In ‘Invisible Man?’

BECAUSE THERE ARE HIDDEN MESSAGES

IN ‘INVISIBLE MAN’

Fighting evil isn’t easy

That’s my message for you

And while you’re fighting it

It puts on a tuxedo

Smirks a little bit

And gives you a wink

All to let you know

That if you haven’t caught it yet

You might never catch it

And knowing

That isn’t going to stop you

Not one bit