Tony Hooper Graduates

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper

And this is my graduation speech

First of all, I want to congratulate everyone

Who’s graduating today

And the two kids who aren’t graduating

Because they brought that alpaca

To senior prom

I guess they’re mailing them their diplomas

Along with a bill for cleaning that hotel ballroom

That’s my first of all

Second of all, I want to say how weird it is

To look out at all of you sitting there

And know that this is the last time

We’re all going to be together in the same place

Now that social media has taken away the need

For reunions

Like my Mom always says--

If I want to know who lost their hair

Or got divorced

I can now do it from the privacy

Of my home

I’d like to say that I know all of you really well

But even being as friendly as I am

When I was looking through the yearbook earlier

I realized I somehow made it four years

Without ever getting a chance

To talk to some of you

Mea culpa for that

That means My cup sucks in Latin

Latin was one of the subjects I did not

Get an A in

But it’s also something you don’t hear a lot

Unless you hang out in monasteries

Which I won’t be doing

Because I’m allergic to silence

That’s my second of all

Part Fourteen--

I spent the past week

Trying to make friends with a kid

Who I’d never talked to before

And he didn’t seem to like it too much

He was polite at first

But then he told me

That he prefers being alone

And that he managed to make it

Through all of high school

Without anybody noticing him

And he didn’t want that to change

With seven days to go

It just goes to show you

It’s never too late

To learn something

Even though this school

Never taught me

How to do my taxes

Or put on a spare tire

Or raise kids

Or budget for a mortgage

Or purchase a sensible car

Or register to vote

Or make myself dinner

Or how to conduct myself during a job interview

Or what retirement is

Or what the proper way to converse with people is

Luckily I’m going into the entertainment industry

So I don’t need to know any of that stuff

I got a sweet internship

At a casting agency over the summer

So if any of you want to be in the first South Korean tour

Of Disney’s Aladdin

Just let me know

At least I learned

That some people

Do not want you

Showing up at their house

At 5am on a Thursday

Asking them to get donuts with you

Even if it’ll make you feel better

Because you didn’t even know their name

Until it showed up next to yours

In the yearbook

Which I guess also means

We sat next to each other in homeroom

But I didn’t go to homeroom that much

Because it was in that room behind the gym

That smells like my uncle’s deodorant

I really wanted to leave here

Super close to everybody

With all of you thinking
I was the greatest person

You’ve ever met

And never forgetting me

For as long as you live

But I guess that’s not going to happen

I made some really good friends

While I was here

And I probably won’t even talk

To some of them

In a few years

Thinking about that kind of stuff

Can make you sad

It makes me sad

Maybe it makes some of you sad too

But there’s nothing we can do about it

Because it’s in the future

And the only thing you have control over

Is the moment you’re in right now

So if it’s okay

With the principal

I’d like to take an extra minute

Out of the speech

I didn’t tell anyone I was giving

To ask that we all look around and just--

Just look at each other

It doesn’t matter if you’re looking at people

You think are your best friends

Or people you’ve never met before

Just look around

You can smile at people

If you want to

Or you can just give them a nod

Like the ones my dad gives guys

When he’s walking by them in the locker room

And they’re not wearing a towel

For some totally unknown reason

Just connect with the people here

Who’ve gone through time

In the same place

That you just did

Who are, whether you like it or not,

Linked to you forever

Even if it’s in the smallest way

There’s going to come a time

In our lives

When we’re all going to need to remember

That we belong to something
Greater than ourselves

And if the only thing we have

To hang onto is this moment

Right now

Then I think we should try really hard

To lock it in our brains

As best we can

So can we just take that minute?

. . . . .

Thank you

I’m so proud to be graduating

And I’m proud of all of you

Doesn’t matter how we got here

The point is--we got here

Congratulations

--And I really hope it’s okay

That I fed that alpaca my corsage

He looked like he needed it

More than I did