Questions for the Kidnappers

How is my husband?
Is he all right?

Have you hurt him?
Can you assure me that you haven’t hurt him?

Can I speak with him?
Can I see proof of life?
Did you ever see the movie Proof of Life?
Did you think it was a good film?
Did you know my sister saw it and thought it 

was lousy but my mother saw it and just loved it?

Do you think Meg Ryan deserves to make a 

comeback?
Did you know she cheated on whoever she was 

with at the time with whoever was in that movie 

with her?
Was Russell Crowe in that movie with her?
Do you like Russell Crowe?
Do you think he’s overrated?

Have you fed my husband recently?
Do you know my husband has low blood 

sugar?
Do you know my husband SAYS he has low 

blood sugar?
Do you think that’s suspicious?
Do you know I’ve always been suspicious 

when he says he has low blood sugar?

How do you find out if someone ACTUALLY

 has low blood sugar?
Has he pretended to pass out since you’ve 

had him?

Do you know he’s pretending and not really

 passing out?
Do you know the difference between actual 

passing out and fake passing out?

Has he ask you to prepare special meals for

 him because he’s on a special diet?
Did he tell you it’s because of his enflamed

 kidney?
Do you think he really has an enflamed kidney 

or do you think he’s just a picky eater?

Do you know he won’t eat a tomato?
Do you know if you starve him for weeks on 

end he will not eat a tomato?

Do you think that’s normal?
Have you tried starving him?
Do you think you could try starving him to see

 if he would eat a tomato?
Do you realize that before when I said if you 

starve him he won’t eat a tomato that I was really

 just speaking figuratively?

Do you know I’ve always fantasized about 

starving him to see if I could get him to eat a tomato?

Do you think if I got you the ransom money 

you’re asking for a little early you could hang 

onto him for an extra week and see if you could

 get proof of him eating a tomato so that the next 

time he tells me he won’t eat a tomato I can say

 ‘Oh, but you’ll eat it for the kidnappers!’

Do you think he’s a little too interested in his intern?

Do you think I’m not being progressive enough 

by assuming my husband has a thing for his intern?

Do you have any interns?

Do kidnappers have interns?

If you have interns, do you ever leave my husband

 alone in a room with them, and if so, do you think

 that’s a good idea?

Do you think you could assign my husband to the 

male interns?
Do you have male interns or just female interns?
If you only have female interns, do you think you’re

 not being progressive or is that just how things shook out?

Has my husband talked about how much he misses

 his intern?

Has my husband talked about my intern at all?
Has he shown you a picture of her?
Are there pictures of her on his phone?
Is his phone charged?
Did he remember to charge his phone?
Do you know he never remembers to charge his 

phone?

Do you think that’s frustrating?

Is he all right?

Can I talk to him?

Has he been getting enough sleep?
Do you know he snores when he sleeps?
Have you heard the snoring?
Do you know I’ve been sleeping much better

 since he’s been kidnapped?
Do you know I’ve never had a more restful night’s

 sleep since we’ve been married than the sleep 

I’ve gotten since you took him from me?

Does he tell you that I also snore?
Has he given you proof of that?
Do you know there is no proof because I don’t snore?
Do you know my husband lies some times?

Do you know my husband lies quite a lot actually?
Do you know if my husband tells you I snore he’s 

really just saying that to deflect from the fact that 

HE is the snorer and not me?

Do you enjoy listening to him snore?
Have you stuffed a sock in his mouth in an attempt

 to stifle the snoring?

Do you know that I’ve done that from time to time?

Does it work for you?
Do you know it never works for me?
Do you know his snoring is so powerful he can expel

 the sock from his mouth without even waking up?

Is he okay?

Does he want to talk to me?

What was he wearing when you took him?
Were his clothes ironed?
Do you know I recently told him that I’m a progressive

 woman now and I refuse to iron his clothes and so he 

said that was fine because he would iron his own 

clothes, but I suspected he was just being passive 

aggressive and his plan was to not iron his clothes 

knowing that would drive me crazy thereby forcing 

me to backpedal and iron his clothes for him but we

 hadn’t gotten that far yet so I was curious to know 

whether or not his clothes were ironed when you 

captured him and please tell me he wasn’t wearing

 the blue button-down with the brown shoes?

Did you hurt him?
Did you hurt him badly?

Did you pinch him?

Did you bite?
Was there biting?

Why would there be biting?
Did you think it was necessary to bite him?

Did he require a few bites?

Did he put up a fight?
Do you know he’s never been much of a fighter?

Did you know that one time a guy at a bar we were 

at called me a bitch because I bumped into him and

 spilled his drink and my husband did absolutely nothing?

Were you aware of that?

Is my husband getting enough water?

Is he comfortable?

Is he all right?

Do you think I’ll ever forgive you for this?

Do you think I can ever forgive you for taking my 

husband from me resulting in me getting enough sleep,

 eating tomatoes, not having to iron so much, and taking

 a weekend trip to Aruba that he would never go on with

 me because he’s terrified of tsunamis and forget trying

 to tell him that there won’t be a tsunami in Aruba 

because he won’t listen anyway?

Do you think I like having my skin clear up and my 

hair look fabulous and my general demeanor improve

 immensely over just a few short days?

Has my husband mentioned wanting a divorce?
Do you think he might want a divorce?
Do you think he’d be open to that?
And do you think he’d consider an even split of our 

assets provided I get you the ransom money you’re 

looking for and don’t stop returning your calls causing 

god-knows-what to happen to him?

Would you do something awful to him in the event that

 I just started…ignoring you?

Did you know that if I refuse to pay your ransom 

there’s nothing the law can do to me?

Do you believe that?
Do you believe that I can simply stop participating in

 any attempt to get money from me and as long as I 

continue to assist law enforcement in any way I can—

even in the most insignificant way—I can’t get in

 trouble or be prosecuted for anything?

Isn’t that incredible?

Would you relay all that to my husband?
Would you tell him that I can tell his kidnappers to 

jump off a cliff knowing full well that they will probably

 then throw him off a cliff and while society may shun

 me for it, I will then be a widow with lots of money 

and no responsibilities or obligations?

Would you tell him that if I do get him back I would 

like a divorce and an amicable one and all of his money

 and the house and he can have the dog but only because

 the dog has a bladder infection and as soon as that’s 

taken care of I want the dog back?

Can you tell that?
Can you tell him that and then tell me what he says?

Can you tell me if he’s willing to go along with my demands?

Oh—and is he all right?

Did I ask you that already?