Tom Green

I tried to explain

Tom Green to my son

He found some clips on Youtube

And it was like

He dug up a time capsule

Of shit you’re really embarrassed of

He comes to me and goes--

‘What’s this shit?’

My son swears

I try to get him to cut it out

But he’s like--

‘You want me to do meth instead?’

So I just let him swear

He comes to me

And he’s got his laptop open

Which means I’m in for it

Because he’s got that

Prosecutorial look in his eye

Like, he’s about to nail my ass

With something

I thought, like--

Oh shit, did somebody finally

Put that video online

From Spring Break ‘98?

But it’s just Tom Green

That’s what I thought at first, like--

Ohhh, it’s just Tom Green

And then I realize--

Fuck

It’s Tom Green

How do I explain Tom Green

To someone who wasn’t, you know

There for Tom Green?

I mean, fuck

I was there for Tom Green

And even I don’t--

Explain Tom Green!

My son’s holding up

This laptop

And it’s got The Bum Bum Song on it

Remember that?

Remember that stupid fucking song?

Remember that some of us

Some of us

Not all of us

But some of us

Thought that was...funny?

I mean…

Jesus

My son is holding up

This laptop

And looking at me

And I’m looking at Tom Green

On the laptop

And I look at my son

My precious son

Who I love and cherish

And who I want to trust me

And admire me

And respect me

And I say--

I don’t know what that is

I claim

That I don’t know

What Tom Green is

Not who he is

But what he is

I play dumb

Even though--

And my kid doesn’t know--

My kid doesn’t know

That there is no way for me

Not to know

What Tom Green is

He knows his Dad

Wasn’t raised in a mole colony

So that alone should tell him--

But he doesn’t know

He doesn’t know

What Tom Green is

So he believes me

He’s like--

Oh yeah

My Dad wouldn’t know

Who this weirdo is

My Dad didn’t bother with weirdos

When he was my age

My Dad was cool

And only took in

The coolest parts

Of the culture

And I should feel bad

I should feel bad

For letting him think that, but--

As a parent

You kind of have to--

Pick the moments

When you don’t have any other choice

But to let your kid down

And, uh--

I wasn’t going to have that

Be one of those moments

I couldn’t, you know?

I just couldn’t

Do it