Jennifer, 37, Nail Tech

He knew as soon as I met Paul

Soon as I met him

He knew

Little bell

Dinged in his head

That’s how men are

Soon as you meet another guy

They know

Hadn’t talked to him

In at least four years

Not a word

Not a text

Nothing

I say ‘Hello’ to Paul

And suddenly my phone goes off

It’s him

Wants to know

How I’m doing

But what he really wants to know is--

Did you meet another man?

And not just any man

No

The man

The man I’m going to be with

Because for awhile

He was the man I was gonna be with

And then he wasn’t

But that was okay

For him

Because men have this thing

Where they think

That somehow you’re still theirs

Even when you’re not anymore

And until another man comes along

And, you know, claims you

You’re still sort of their property

So what I had to let him know

Was that I belong to myself

That I belong to myself now

That I belonged to myself

When we were together

That I will belong to myself

Even when I marry Paul

Which I will

Because he looks like Chris Evans

And I’m not stupid

But I will continue to be mine

Even if the actual Chris Evans appears

And takes me away somewhere

I don’t belong to anybody

But me

And so his little caveman alarm

Can go off for the rest of his life

As far as I’m concerned

But it should have gone off

The minute he met me

Because there was no point

Where I wasn’t

Fully in control

Of myself

And my destiny

And that’s why the two of us

Didn’t work out

In the first place

The fact that this asshole

Didn’t think about me once

For four years

And then

With a new wife and everything

He’s suddenly all worked up

Because somebody

He thought he planted his flag in

Was about to move on from him

Is pitiful

Think about reaching out

After four years

For that reason

Can you?

I can’t

Men will never surprise you

Except for when you think

They’re not going to act like men

In twenty million years

When we’re all working with robots

And holograms

And flying cars are everywhere

Men are still going to be teleporting

To their ex’s house

To find out

If she’s got a new guy in her bed

They will not give up

That deep, spiritual, toxic cord they have

Tied all the way back to their ancestors

Even though they all had big foreheads

And got eaten by a T-Rex

Paul is no different

And I know that

But I make due

With what’s available to me

And what’s available to me now

Is a man who looks like Captain America

So, you know

You make due, don’t you?

You certainly do

You certainly do