By the Pool

She put me in a room
That faces

The pool

Not that I asked

Must have taken

A liking to me or something

Made her, made her…

Made her look up

From her People magazine

She gave me the key
And when I unlocked the door

I closed the window, because, uh--

I don’t have much luck

With pools

I don’t have…

I don’t have much luck with much

That’s--that’s probably more true

That’s…

I waited until everybody was--

I waited until it was late

Like three

Like after three maybe

And I, uh, I left my room, and--

I had just been sitting there

On the bed

Waiting

Figured--

There must be--

I spent a lot of time thinking

Thinking

While I was sitting there

And I, uh--

I figured--

There must be a reason

She put me by the pool

I walked out--

It was after three

But I could still hear

The motorcycles from that--

Why do they always put

Places like that

Right next

To rundown motels, huh?

The pool looked nice

Nobody was going to bother me

You couldn’t see

The pool from that bar anyway

I walked in

Into the pool

Pushed against the water

That extra push you need

Right when you get to the point

Where your head’s going to go under

Your body

Your--

It needs that little

Something extra

We were drunk

The night we went in the pool

At my uncle’s house

I was watching it

While he was in Pueblo Norova

For the weekend

She was fifteen

I was nineteen

Not bad back then

But not great now

Neither one of us

Should have been drinking

But...we were

She didn’t like the taste

But I kept joking with her

Getting her to have one more

And one more

I didn’t need to do that

She was sneaking kisses

All night

And the only reason I had

For wanting her drunk was--

It didn’t make any sense

Nothing does, though

Not when you’re young
And not when you’re looking back

At being young either

Just wanted to up my chances

And then I end up passing out

On a fucking--one of those--

Beach chairs

Pool chairs

And she keeps swimming

Until she hits her head

Until she--

We--I--

They think she hit her head

I--I don’t know what else

Back then I had a temper

But I don’t think I would...

And then just go to sleep

How could you sleep after that?

Anyway twenty years later

And I’m walking into a pool

Cursing god

Used to drive my mother nuts

When you took the lord’s name

When you--

You could drop all the ‘fucks’ you wanted

But you watch your mouth

If you’re talking about--

If you’re saying ‘Jesus Christ’
And not praying, you know, it’s--

Maybe that’s why

I’m walking in the deep end

Saying ‘Goddammit’

Saying it over and over again

Trying to get god nice and angry

So he’ll keep me under

Trying to push him hard enough

So he won’t let my head come up

Trying to stay down long enough

To see that girl’s face

At the bottom

Saying ‘It’s nice down here’

Saying ‘I forgive you’

Saying ‘No damnation necessary’

Just water and the past

Just water

Just water

Just...

Just...

Just…

Sleep