Surprise, Surprise

     (A restaurant.  WALKER, EM, LISA, and DONNA are all eating dinner.)

WALKER:  It's just so nice that we can all get together like this.

EM:  I was talking to my friend Raquel--the one none of you like?

LISA/DONNA/WALKER:  Ohhh Raquel./Yeah, her./She sucks.

EM:  And she was saying she barely talks to her friends.

DONNA:  What?

LISA:  We all talk--what?  Every day?

WALKER:  Sometimes twice a day.

EM:  She said she goes a week sometimes without--

LISA:  That's crazy.

DONNA:  You call that being friends with someone?

WALKER:  Insane.

EM:  Right?  Jake couldn't believe it when I told him that.

LISA:  Who's Jake?

EM:  My husband.

     (A beat.)

DONNA:  You have a husband?

EM:  Yeah.  Jake.

WALKER:  We've never heard of a Jake.

EM:  Oh, yeah, um--so he's the guy I'm married to.

LISA:  When did this happen?  Did you elope or something?

EM:  We did, yeah.  Guys, c'mon, you think I'd have a wedding and not invite you?

DONNA:  Em, we've been sitting here all night and you didn't say anything.

WALKER:  I mean I'm glad we didn't miss your wedding, but--

EM:  Sorry, I was waiting for the right time to bring it up, but I didn't want to jinx the marriage by talking about it.

LISA:  Did this happen over the weekend while you were in LA or--

EM:  Oh no, we've been married for a year.

WALKER/DONNA/LISA:  What?/A year?/Excuse me?

EM:  Well, thirteen months, but, like, why be obnoxious about it, right?

DONNA:  You've been married that long and never told us?

LISA:  How is that possible?

DONNA:  I talk to you every day.

WALKER:  Sometimes twice a day.

EM:  I just felt weird bringing it up.  You know I like to keep who I date private.

LISA:  But you're not dating him, you're MARRIED to him.

EM:  And I think the only reason we MADE it that far after four years of being in a VERY up-and-down relationship is because--

WALKER/DONNA/LISA:  FOUR YEARS?

EM:  I think the privacy really helped.  It's just, like, way easier to keep things healthy when you're essentially locked in a symbolic bunker removed from everything but your love for each other, you know?

DONNA:  Em, this is a huge thing to keep from us.

EM:  Oh, come on, it's not like I don't tell you all everything else that's going on with me.  Lisa, you were the first person I told about my shellfish allergy.

LISA:  Yeah, I remember, we talked about that on the phone last year for at least two hours every day and yet you FAILED TO TELL ME YOU WERE MARRIED.

EM:  Well technically I was engaged when all that was going on--

WALKER:  Where did you meet this guy?

EM:  Um....it's a little weird talking about this.

WALKER:  You're STILL trying to keep it a secret?

EM:  Obviously not, I mean, now that you know, but like, I already kind of regret telling you for how judgmental you're being.

DONNA:  We're not judging you for being married.  We're judging you for not telling us that you're married.

EM:  Okay, well I feel like you're judging me for BEING married, because that argument I can win, so I'd prefer to go with that narrative, if it's okay with you.

LISA:  So you didn't mean to tell us just now?

EM:  Well, I sort of did, I mean, it's kind of amazing to just throw it out there casually, right?  I mean, how dramatic was that?  I'm kind of living for it.

DONNA:  We are not your audience, Em, we're your friends.

EM:  Right, but the thing is, I'm not sure what to do with friends, whereas I'm very excited about the idea of having an audience.

WALKER:  What do you mean 'what to do with friends?'  You just--act friendly.

EM:  And see, that requires more from me than I feel emotionally prepared to give right now, what with my husband, and the kids--

WALKER/DONNA/LISA:  YOU HAVE KIDS?/KIDS?/Jesus, help this woman.

EM:  Relax, we adopted them.  It's not like you missed me giving birth.  I would definitely have made you all listen to me talk about being pregnant the whole time, so really, you're welcome.

LISA:  How could you not tell us you had kids?

EM:  Well, I didn't want you thinking I was a single parent, so what choice did I have?

DONNA:  Em, I'm a single parent.

EM:  Right, and I'm not judging you for that, I would just never choose that for myself because I disagree with it and think you should done something completely different with your life, but you know I support you and all your terrible decisions, right?

WALKER:  Setting all that aside, what else don't we know about?

LISA:  Yeah, did you buy a house?

WALKER:  Win the lottery?

DONNA:  Are you living on Mars now?

EM:  Oh my god, I forget to tell you guys about one husband, two kids, and winning a Senate seat and suddenly I'm the sketchy one in this friend group.

LISA:  Who else would be the sketchy one?

EM:  Um, Walker, for not telling us what happened with that guy he went out on a date with last week.

WALKER:  He never called back.

(A beat.)

WALKER:  End of story.

EM:  Mmmmmmmm, something going on there.

WALKER:  YOU'RE MARRIED.  YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYONE.

EM:  Listen, I don't know if you all have ever tried writing a press release about your marriage, but it is a very time-consuming process, and with the kids, and the farm I own now--

LISA:  Okay then.

EM:  --and with all that going on, I am sorry that I have not had time to properly roll out the campaign I felt was best to announce MY marriage.  I'M SORRY.

     (A beat.)

DONNA:  Is it a nice farm?

EM:  You know, I think we overpaid.

LISA:  Same thing happened to Amanda.

EM:  I saw that on Instagram.  Can you believe they wouldn't fix the roof for her?

DONNA:  I told her agriculture is a volatile industry right now and--

WALKER:  I'M--NO--CAN WE--WHAT IS HAPPENING?

DONNA:  Look, if Em wants to keep certain things to herself, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be friends with her.

WALKER:  But ARE we friends with her?

EM:  It's not like I told anyone else.  Just you three.  And US Weekly, but they're taking a really long time to get back to me about printing the photos.

LISA:  Everybody has their secrets, Walker.  Maybe not secret marriages, but when it's dating, it's complicated.  Like how I'm in a throuple right now.

DONNA:  And I'm dating twin brothers.

EM:  And I'm married!  Don't forget about me being married!  Why are we talking about other people right now?  Have we moved on from me being married?  Because that should have gotten me at least a week's worth of attention according to my publicist.

WALKER:  You have a publicist?

EM:  Publicist slash orthodontist.  I met her when my daughter needed braces.  Teenagers, right?  There goes all the money your dad left you when he disappeared into the Amazon.

WALKER:  When did--

DONNA:  Walker, let it go.

LISA:  Let it go, Walker.

EM:  Walker, please be upset and talk about it a lot so I remain the focus of conversation, but like, also, let it go...in one to two weeks.  By then I'll have something new for you to get mad at me about.

DONNA:  At least now we're all caught up.

LISA:  That's why we do these dinners.

EM:  Does anyone else want to try and beat my news?  I mean, good luck, but--

WALKER:  I could come out again...I guess?

EM:  Oh Walker, sweetie, you should have held onto that one for a lot longer.

     (End of Play)