The Villain in Love

It’s official

I have swiveled

For the last time

Please take in--

My new chair

Advanced technology

A headset

And a cupholder

That keeps my drink cold

Ladies and gentlemen,

I’m in love

Oh, and also--

I got married

Her name is Villainess

And she’s, some would say,

An even better villain than I am

Those who would say that

Have also been hit by my stun gun

And eaten alive by my koala bear

John Tesh Jr

John Tesh Sr. is fine, no worries

He’s simply retired

So I’ve enlisted his son

In terrorizing do-gooders

And their ilk

I need the extra help

Now that I’m planning a wedding

Yes, I’m about to become

An honest antagonist

I hope nobody tries

To make the world a better place

Between now and next June

Because I’ll be busy

Deciding which cover band

Is going to be playing at my reception

Every lesser villain on the planet

Will be attending

Mr. Nasty

Ms. Nasty

Captain Nasty

The Nasty Bunch

I can’t invite all of the Nasty Bunch

Because I’m never quite sure

Who’s in the group

At any given time

But all the founding members

Will be there

When I tie the knot

As for whether or not

I’ll continue my villain-ing

After I’m wed

The fiance and I have already decided

That we’ll take turns

Destroying the world

Actually I’ll be taking

The first three turns

Since the prevailing wisdom is

That she’ll probably succeed

Whereas I’ll always be foiled

So it makes more sense
For me to be the stay-at-home bad guy

While she supports my passion

With her day job

Selling high-quality term papers

To high school juniors

And if you think it takes smarts

To steal the largest diamond in Croatia

Try writing an AP History paper

On James Madison

And not having it be a total snooze

That woman is just full of surprises

She can torture secret agents

She can explain Bitcoin

She can diagram a sentence

It’s like I’m marrying Leonardo da Vinci

Will it take away my edge?

Maybe

Having someone to lose

Never made anybody

More reckless

But it does give me motivation

To avenge my fallen love

Provided she dies tragically

Which she won’t

Because, frankly,

She’s pretty indestructible

I have a sneaking suspicion

She’s half-cyborg

But I’m too scared to ask

Because whenever I question her about anything

She threatens to send me

To the Joy Room

It’s a place in our lair

With pictures of puppies

And adorable babies

More than five minutes in there

And you won’t want to commit a heinous crime

For weeks

It’s a nightmare

And not the fun kind

Where you dream

That someone’s removing your fingernails

With those pliers

You can only get

In South Korea

It’s cruel of her

But sometimes tough love

Is the best kind of love

And my girl?

Oh, she’s as tough

As they come