Mueller Answers Questions

(ROBERT MUELLER stands at a podium.)

MUELLER:  I'll now answer questions.

PRESS #1:  So did the President commit a crime?

MUELLER:  The President didn't not commit a crime.

PRESS #1:  So...he did?

MUELLER:  He didn't not.

PRESS #1:  So--?

MUELLER:  Next question?

PRESS #2:  If he committed a crime, why aren't you
prosecuting him?

MUELLER:  As I said before I started taking
questions.  You can't prosecute a sitting President.

PRESS #2:  So he can just...do whatever he wants?

MUELLER:  While he's in office, yes.

PRESS #2:  Isn't that...kind of scary?

MUELLER:  It's very scary.  Next question.

PRESS #3:  Why would the people who put
the thing together--

MUELLER:  The Founding Fathers.

PRESS #3:  Right.  Them.  Why would they
let this happen?

MUELLER:  Well, they figured that by putting
in place the impeachment procedure, if a President
ever did go off the rails, we could just begin the--

PRESS #1:  Yeah, but we can't impeach him.

MUELLER:  Well, not us, but Congress--

PRESS #2:  No, Congress can't impeach him either.

MUELLER:  Can't or won't?

PRESS #3:  They cannnn?  But if they do, the other
side gets riled up over it and then Democrats lose
their advantage again.

MUELLER:  But the President committed a--didn't--
didn't not commit a crime.

PRESS #1:  Yeah, but the Republicans don't care.

PRESS #2:  What do we do if the Republicans don't care?

MUELLER:  I--we don't--I don't--

PRESS #3:  Are you going to testify in front of Congress?

MUELLER:  No.

PRESS #2:  Why not?

MUELLER:  I don't want to.

PRESS #1:  Don't you...have to?

MUELLER:  I mean, I didn't do anything wrong.

PRESS #2:  That's...not why people testify.

PRESS #3:  That's actually the reason you should be
fine with testifying.

MUELLER:  Everything I have to say is in the report.

PRESS #1:  But we can't read the full report.

MUELLER:  Well, you should read it.

PRESS #2:  We can't.

MUELLER:  Illiteracy is certainly tragic but--

PRESS #3:  There are redactions all over it.

MUELLER:  Next question.

PRESS #1:  Can't you just charge the President
with a crime?

MUELLER:  That won't be possible until
after he's out of office.

PRESS #2:  So, like, if the President was like--
Hey, I'm just going to kill somebody every day
for the next two years, there's NOTHING we could
do to stop him?

MUELLER:  You could impeach him.

PRESS #2:  You keep saying 'impeach' like it's
something we can actually do.

MUELLER:  You could vote in people who would
impeach him.

PRESS #3:  Gerrymandering.

MUELLER:  Look, I don't know what you want
from me.  I did the investigation.  I found not
not guilty.  There are things you can do to get rid
of him.  I'm not Santa Claus.  I can't just magically
put the President in jail.

PRESS #2:  Why?

MUELLER:  Because.

PRESS #1:  Why?

MUELLER:  Because.

PRESS #1, #2, and #3:  Why?

MUELLER:  Next question.

PRESS #3:  Do you think there's any chance
he'll be prosecuted once he's no longer President.

MUELLER:  Considering we didn't even prosecute
Nixon when he was out of office--No.  No chance.

PRESS #2:  So what was all this for?

MUELLER:  No idea.  Next question.

    (The questions continue as the lights fade.)