The Hardest Thing

Oh, when she moved out

She took everything

I mean, I had--

I had a bed

That was it

That was all I had

She left with everything else

Not that I’m saying that in a--

It was her stuff

She bought it

And she offered to leave

Some of it behind

For me

But I was like--

No, it’s okay

Take it

Take it all

I didn’t feel right keeping it

I guess what I remember most

About that time

Was the boredom

I was just so bored

This was before you could play on your phone

And I don’t--

I don’t even think

I had a cell phone

At that point

I think I just had my landline

And I didn’t have anybody

To call

Nobody even knew

We were broken up

Until way later

Like--

We broke up in June

And I don’t think anybody really knew

Until October or so

And that was because

I locked myself away all summer

Thinking if I just kept to myself

I wouldn’t have to face the music

And tell people it was over

The living room had this little radio in it

I don’t know where we got it from

But the only station it would get

Was Lite Rock

And I would just put it on

And lay on the floor

Try to feel something

Try to feel something

About what was going on with me

And, uh, at least once every other hour

They would play ‘The Hardest Thing’

By 98 Degrees

I’m not kidding

That song was on all the time

And this was--

This was sort of after

It had stopped

Being really popular

Which was, like,

A few months earlier

But it was this sort of

Perfect lite rock song

In a way that a lot of the other boy band stuff wasn’t

At the time

And you know

Back when you were forced to listen to the radio

If you wanted to hear music

But didn’t want to curate it for yourself

You could actually grow to like certain songs

Even if the first time you listened to them

You were like--

Ugh, gross

And that’s basically what happened

I just got used to the song

I got used to the song

Before I got used to the idea

Of her being gone

And then one night

I was listening

Waiting for the song to come

And it didn’t

And it never did again

I’m telling you that was--

1999?

Twenty years ago?

And I haven’t heard that song since

Sometimes I think about, like,

Bringing it up on Spotify

Or whatever

And just--

But I always end up

Changing my mind

Seems like…

Seems like I was supposed to hear it

Until I wasn’t supposed to hear it anymore

And, uh--

And yeah

I’m not really interested

In going back there

That’s not something
I really need

To do