I Drive Myself Crazy

He graduated before I did

By a few two years

And, uh,

My life was basically over

This was before you could really
Keep up with people

Like on social media or whatever

We had AIM

That was it

And if you think

I was brave enough

To just message him

On AIM--

Not that I didn’t know his screen name

I got it from my friend Marissa

Who got it from this kid Rocco

Because he was very very protective

Of that screen name

And that’s what made him so cool

I added him to my friends list

And he got his own category

The category was his name

And anytime that little door would open
And he’d be online

I would open up a chat window
Type ‘I love you’

And just…

Wait

This isn’t a story

About me

Screwing up

And sending the message

By accident one day

I kind of wish
That was the story

Because then

Maybe it would become

A story about

Him revealing

That he was in love with me too

Instead I looked him up

Years later

And he, uh--

Well, he didn’t age well

I guess he went to UNH

And then switched to Florida State

And then moved back to Philly

And then, I don’t know

Just--

Lost whatever it was that--

I mean, I’d love to say

I wasn’t just in love with him

For his looks

But I was fifteen

And I had never said a word to him

So yes

It was definitely more of, a--

Surface attraction

I could get sad

If I really think about it

So instead

I just--

Think about

The experience

Of having a crush on him

Sitting in my room

Looking at that chat window

Doing my homework

Fan pointing at me

My cat trying to sit on my keyboard
And ‘I Drive Myself Crazy’

Playing

It was so great

Just going all in

On your feelings

I don’t know when I stopped doing that

But there comes a point

When you just--

You sort of teach yourself

To hide things

Because, like, that’s supposed to be

Some sign of maturity

Or whatever

I did bump into him

At this outdoor event

This, like, food truck contest

And, uh, you won’t believe it

But he, like, recognized me

Right away

I have no idea how

I mean, we literally never said--

Like, not even two words

To each other

But we said hi

And he introduced me

To the girl he’s dating

And I said ‘Hi’

And that was it

But as he walked away

I don’t know

But, uh

I just kind of whispered

Low enough so he couldn’t hear

I said--

I love you

Just to--

I don’t know

Be funny or something

I laughed as soon as I said it

But it was like--

A callback, you know?

It was something I used to say

Even though I never

Actually

Said it

But still it was like--

I love you

I had to, you know?

I just had

To say it