Chips

    (A conference room.)

J:  Okay, so what do we think about
swordfish?

M:  As a potato chip flavor?

O:  This is hell.

J:  Come on, focus, we need six new
flavors by Friday.

O:  What’s wrong with the 8,000 other
flavors we have?

J:  They need more.

M:  Who’s ‘they?’

J:  The general public.

O:  Heathens.

J:  Yes--ooooh!  How about Satan’s Fire?  
Siracha and--I don’t know.  Salt?...Or something?

M:  Who’s going to buy Satan’s Fire potato chips?

O:  Who’s going to buy potato chips--period?  
We have tortilla chips now. We don’t have to
live this way anymore.

J:  They’re still a staple and they’re our best-selling
item, so let’s try and come up with some good ideas.

O:  What about pretzel-flavored potato chips?

J:  I’ll write it down.

O:  That was a jok--oh god, who cares?

M:  How about--chocolate?

J:  Hahahaha, are you out of your mind?

M:  You just suggested swordfish.

J:  Swordfish are salty.  Chocolate is sweet.
We don’t do sweet potato chips.  That would
be disgusting.

O:  You know sweet potatoes are a thing, right?

M:  Could we do sweet potato potato chips?

J:  No. Nobody wants that.

M:  I think some people would--

J:  Let’s try to suggest flavors we could actually
sell--like aged gouda.

M:  Can you explain to me how we’re getting
the chips to taste like this stuff?

J:  It’s a secret.

O:  No, it’s not.  They just use different
kinds of salt.

J:  It’s much more complicated than that.

M:  Really?

J:  Yes, there are different kinds of pepper
as well.

O:  You’re going to pay for this in the next
life, you know. None of us are ever going
to see Heaven.

M:  How about cotton candy?

J:  How about you try not to get fired?  
Does that sound good?

M:  Oh right.  Sweet. Sorry.

O:  How about the sweat of a marathon
runner?

J:  I’m intrigued.  Go on.

M:  How many marathon runners would we
need to make a bag?

O:  Just murder one, grind up their bones, and
throw them in the chip machine.

J:  That’s a little graphic, but I’m glad that you
have an eye on production.

M:  I can’t even remember what flavors we
haven’t done yet.  It feels like we’ve done
everything.

J:  We could do variations on a theme.  Like,
instead of pickled radish, we could do sauteed
radish or deviled radish?

O:  How do you devil a radish?

M:  What about radishes dipped in sugar?

O:  Okay, now even I want to kill you.

J:  How do we feel about daffodils?

M:  So pretty.

O:  And inedible.

M:  And pretty.

O:  And they’re not food.

J:  So people disagree.  Plants are the
new vegetables.

O:  I think they’re actually the same thing.

J: Okay, so you're a scientist now?

J:  Hear me out--Venus Flytrap Potato Chips.

M:  Eat them before they eat you?

J:  And you’re on the board!

O:  This is how civilization turns to ash.

J:  What other allegedly non-edible things could
we look to?

M:  Arugula!

O:  You can eat arugula.

M:  Suuuuuuuure you can.

J:  I’m thinking more like--tennis balls?  
Like, as a U.S. Open tie-in? People love
tennis.

O:  People love cars too.  Should we do
asphalt? Oil change?  That stain in the
backseat that doesn’t have any explanation?

J:  Wow, one at a time, but yes, I love the
enthusiasm.

M:  Have we ever done chips named after
celebrities?  Like--Bradley Cooper chips?

O:  What would they taste like?

J:  A plantain with a sprinkle of basil.

    (A beat.)

J:  I may have thought about this a little.

O:  I still think it’s creepy.  Chips named
after people? Like--Taylor Swift potato chips?

M:  That is creepy. What about Charles
Manson?

O:  Because that’s...less creepy?

J:  What about places?  Like Paris?

M:  Snails.

J:  London.

M:  Beef.

J:  Boston.

M:  Air pollution!

J:  Let’s table that and come back to it.

O:  Seaweed?

J:  We’ve done it.

M:  Stuffed chicken?

J:  We’ve done it.

O:  Ostrich neck?

J:  I know we’ve done ostrich kidneys, but
I don’t know about the neck.  I’ll write
that down.

M:  Bag of sugar!

O:  I shouldn’t care, but can you--

J:  Yes.

    (To M.)

You’re fired.

M:  Do I still get my free bag of chips?

J:  Yes.  Do you want grilled octopus
or lobster salad?

M:  Do you have sweet tart?

O:  Does anyone have a pencil I
can shove in my eye?

J:  Ooooh pencil shavings!

M:  Sounds delicious.

    The End