The Villain Wraps His Presents

I have no idea how to wrap forceps.

All Grandpa wanted for Christmas
Was new forceps
But I don't know how to wrap them

I have this cute little bag I can put them in
It has Kim Jong-il dressed up like Santa on it
But it'll end up sticking out

I could wrap it using this paper
With famous massacres in history
Depicted on it

But it'll be easy to guess what it is

Plus something tells me Brother Villain
Bought Grandpa forceps too
And he'll probably give them to him on Christmas Eve
Because he'll want to outdo me
And then I will engage him in combat
And we'll all spend another night
In the emergency room

So...it's tricky

I bought Little Niece an attack dog
Well, an attack koala bear
They were out of dogs
But now she'll have a koala
Just like her uncle

And he's a mean little sucker too!

He already bit the mailman
And pillaged an European city

She's going to love him

Now if I could just get this bow around him
Without him peeing all over the place
And throwing steak knives at me

How come I can't get mine to do that?

This last one is for Brother Villain
When he opens it
It will fire several darts
Filled with arsenic
Straight at his heart

Then it will truly be a joyous Christmas
With no emergency room
Just an ambulance
Coming to pick up the corpse

...Just like when we were young...

All right
Back to wrapping

I still have to fill the stockings with mini-death guns
None of which actually cause death
But some of which cause a slight tingle
When you shoot someone with them

I like to think that tingle is Christmas spirit

Homocidal rage
Eggnog
Family you've failed to kill

Sigh

I love the holidays