Vivian Leaves a Voicemail

Isaac?

Isaac, this is your mother
This is Vivian
This is the heartbroken woman
Who has stopped crying long enough
To leave you this voicemail

Why would you do this to me?
To Jessica?
To yourself?
To the world?

Why would you do this?

Jessica was the most wonderful girl
You ever brought home

She was polite
She was giving
She feared me instantly

I loved her

And now you've broken up with her
And I have to find out from her Facebook status

Yes, I'm on Facebook now
Your brother got me on there
So I could find out
Which one of my classmates got fat
Before my reunion next month

But that is neither here nor there
Nor anywhere

The girl is shattered

I'm looking at the computer screen right now

Jessica is--Shattered.

Or maybe that's a song
Is that a song?

Even if it is
It's how she's feeling

There's a frown face
That little colon parentheses
That indicates a frown
That's what she has right now
A parenthetical colon
And it's because of YOU!

I have given birth to a heartbreaker
A cruel, stone cold ice man
Who destroys lovely young women
That would make fine daughter-in-laws

Is that why you hated her, Isaac?
Because I loved her?

Is that what made you toss her out?

Well, let me tell you something mister--

BEEP

. . . . .

Isaac?

This is your mother
I'm back
Your voicemail cut me off
You must have trained it
It now hangs up on me
At the exact same moment you would
If you weren't screening your calls

Oh, I know that's what you're doing, mister
I know when my call is being screened

God forbid your father drops dead
You won't even know about it
Until you get around to checking your messages
And by that point we'll probably already have him buried

PHILLIP! DON'T DROP DEAD!
YOUR SON WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT
UNTIL AFTER THE FUNERAL!

Where was I?

Oh right, you tossed out Jessica
And I want you to toss her back in

You call her up
And you get her back
And you marry her
And you give me grandchildren
And you name the first girl after me!

BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER
AND I WILL NOT BE--

BEEP

. . . . .

Okay, I got less that time
I definitely got less
Is your voicemail set up
To give less and less time
In order to preserve space
In your precious inbox?

So all the tramps
That will now be calling you
Because your little relationship heart on Facebook
Has now been shattered
Much like Jessica's
Will now be forced
To keep their messages concise?

Isn't that CONVENIENT for you, Isaac

I'm so happy for you

All a mother wants for her son is happiness
And you found happiness
And you strangled it
And then dumped it in a ditch
Like a drifter

I am so ashamed of you, Isaac
I am ashamed and disgusted and repulsed
And more than anything I--

BEEP

. . . . .

--WISH I HAD GIVEN YOU TO THE MILLERS NEXT DOOR
WHEN YOU WERE BORN
LIKE GRANDMA BEGGED ME TO!

GOOD-BYE!

BEEP

. . . . .

Honey?

It's Mom

I just saw Jessica's note
She tagged me in it
Which was...

I mean, I don't want to say it was 'nice' of her
It was nice of her to...
Let me know
I suppose

She says that breaking up with you
Was very hard on her
She says it shattered her

I don't understand that
Why would the person DOING the breaking up be upset?

I guess that's possible
But...

Well, anyway

I just want to let you know
That I'm here for you

You're still my little boy
And if there's anything I can do for you
I want you to just give me a call

And as for Jessica...

Well, I think we both know
You can do a lot better
Than her