Mrs. Brugel's Nativity

-- As a Christmas present to some of you monologuers, I'm including you in this little piece. Enjoy. --

"Mrs. Brugel's Nativity"

LEANN!

For the love of God
Stop looking at Tony!

Every time you look at him
He starts to cry

Leann, you have stolen his heart
And every time your eyes meet his
He is reminded that you are a vile temptress
Who seduces men then shatters their existence!

Now put Baby Jesus in the manger
And try to look virginal!

Your mother said what?

HOW DARE YOU, YOUNG LADY!

I do not pick on little girls
Just because their mothers
Turn me down when I ask them to brunch

What kind of petty, vindictive--

BURR!

If you don't stop playing with your crook
Santa won't bring you any presents this year!

You are a bad, bad shepherd!

I should have made you a goat
Then maybe you would have behaved!

CHRISTIN!

Your scene is over!
Please get offstage

Stop trying to milk the role of Innkeeper
For more than it's worth

That's desperate and sad
Do you want to be desperate and sad?

Leann, are you sure your mother isn't playing hard to get?

LISA AND JAY!

I saw what you were doing behind the trough
And wise men do NOT do that with each other!

Lisa, where is your myrrh?
Did you eat it again?

YOU HAVE TO STOP EATING THE MYRRH!

I don't care if it is made out of cheese
It's still off-limits!

HOLLY!

Why is the baby Jesus wearing a Snuggie?

Did you do that?
Do you think you're clever, young lady?
Because you're not!
You're not clever!

AND

You're a horrible actress

I didn't want to go there
But a fact is a fact

Nobody buys you as Joseph

I give you a role that you can really sink your teeth into
One that will challenge you
And all you do is throw a blanket with sleeves on our savior
And convince Leann that Lenny has a crush on her
When it's perfectly clear
That he has a crush on ME!

(Which is totally healthy, Lenny)

Lenny?

Where's Lenny?

OUT SICK?

GREAT! Now we're down a wise man

We have two fornicating wise men
That's just wonderful

LISA! Jay is not a Rubik's Cube!
Stop that!

Sonya? Are you all right up there?

Honey, we can only lower the pulley once
That means you're going to have to stay up there
Until the angel descends tonight during the pageant

You don't have to pee, do you?
If you have to pee
I can have Cherylee run up there
With a bucket

WHAT?

Young lady, I do not appreciate being called
A Mistletoe Nazi!

Why are you all giggling?

Do you think that's funny?

Perhaps I should go get Mr. Colonna in here
So he can shut this down
And we can all bust out the menorahs
And do a Hanukkah Show!

I'm sure you'd love that Mary Deberrowitz
Right up until the part where those of you who have been giving me trouble
Get swept up in the Mediterranean!

What?

Leann, I do not appreciate my eight-year-old students
Correcting me on biblical geography
Perhaps you think you're special now
Because you were immaculately conceptualized
But that doesn't mean you know everything!

Tony, stop trying to smell Leann's hair!

The stage managers do not smell the actors!
That is an age-old rule in the theater!

Doug, why are you dressed like Geena Davis?

Did you tell your mother Geena Davis was in this show?

Well, unless I'm wrong
Which I rarely am

(Unless it's about who to fall in love with
Or how much liquor I can hold)

Geena Davis was not present at the birth of Christ

And I don't appreciate the fact
That you talked Jim into dressing up like Mariel Hemingway

What?

Sigourney Weaver?

Jim, sweetheart, I have met Sigourney Weaver
Many, many times
And you, little boy, are no Sigourney Weaver

Some quick notes
Before I dismiss you all
For dinner break
While I go cry in the cubby room

ADRIANO!

King Herod does not burst out into song!
Nor does he have back-up dancers
So Kristina and James, you need to return to your classroom
And tell Mrs. Lewis that I do NOT appreciate
Her corruptible 5th graders interacting with my innocent 3rd graders

LISA, STOP LICKING JAY!

Samantha, you're not doing enough with the role
Of the Ancient Hooker
Smoke more, sneer less

Robbie Reynolds, that costume could be a lot more...

Revealing

Bonnie, Mary's cousin Elizabeth is a SUPPORTING role
That means you get four lines
And you stay three steps upstage of Mary
AT ALL TIMES!

And Alex, you need to own the nudity more
It's not enough to just stand there onstage
Playing a naked lamb

You need to revel in being naked
...And a lamb

My niece Breena is coming to the show tonight
And if you all play your cards right
One of you could be playing the Munchkin Mayor
In her high school's production of 'The Wizard of Oz'

That's IF I'm not asked to do it
Which is a very distinct possibility

All right

Go get something to eat

Remember, only light foods
We don't want any vomiting onstage this year

...Again

OH!

Somebody throw some food up to Sonya

That last thing I need
Is a whining angel