Mark's Rain

Mark's got a baby now
Didn't you hear?

Got a little baby girl
Named Rain
How 'bout that, huh?

How 'bout Mark?
Having a kid

Holy shit, you know?
Holy fucking shit

Used to chill with Mark
But don't anymore

Cause of shit, you know?

Moved to Heddy, with my Ma
When her last boyfriend went nuts
Had to get out fast
Didn't get to say good-bye to Mark

He lived below us
Used to ride bikes with him
Used to hide underneath the stairs
In the hall closet
See if he could find me
But he never could

I was always real good at hiding

'Ma, I gotta say good-bye to Mark. He's my best friend.'
'Pack, honey, we'll come back and see him when things are good.'

You don't wait for things to get good
You'll wait forever

Now Mark's got a baby
Now Mark's got Rain

Aunt Beth still lives two doors down
From where we were

She says Mark got hooked up with this bad news
Fucking whore named Stace
That's what my Aunt says
Probably because my Aunt likes Markie now
I can hear it in the way she says--

He's all grown up

I guess Stace had the baby and took off
Had to get another fix out of town
Her dealers multiplying
Right along with her debt
And Mark had to pay 'em all off
So they'd leave him and the baby alone

Aunt Beth says he works at the package store
In Scovie, got held up five times in two months
Now that they put that rehab center right downtown

She says Mark stood there all five times
Wouldn't open the register
Didn't want to lose his job

She yelled at him, I guess
Told him he had a daughter now
Had to start thinking like a parent

He told her what good is a father
Can't pay the bills
So he never opened the register
And he said three of the five times it was the same guy
And he didn't even wear a mask or make the finger in his pocket
Look like a real gun
Fuckin' druggie on withdrawal
Nothin' to be scared of

Man, Mark wasn't ever scared of shit
Let me tell you

That guy was fuckin' fearless
Not like me, man

Not like me

Thought about going back to say hi
But I feel stupid now, you know?

Because it's been so long

Kinda want to see the kid
See if she looks like Mark
See if she's got those eyes
Fuckin' tiger eyes, man

Good heart though
Fuckin' hard eyes
Because he could kill
Mark could kill someone for you
If he loved you

But when he was done with you
He was done
Even as a kid

His Dad walked out on him
Just like mine did
But his tried to come back
And Mark wasn't having it

His Mom beat the shit out of him
Because he wouldn't talk to his Dad
When he moved back in

Couldn't figure out why his Dad didn't do it
But maybe his Dad knew why he was getting the silent treatment

You walk out on Mark
No point going back

I had my excuses
But Mark won't be interested in those
Why should he be?

Everybody's got their tissue box, right?

Aunt Beth says his Mom moved out
Dad left two more times
Last time finally stuck
And Mom went looking for him
And then she was gone too
And it was just Mark
Then it was Mark and Stace
Now it's Mark and Rain

Bet he likes it better that way anyway

Wonder if he still has that photo of us
When my Uncle took us camping

Had a good time that weekend
Fuckin' dove off cliffs into lakes
Like we were Tarzan or something

Ate fish we didn't cook right
Then threw up
Then laughed
Then threw up some more

Made s'mores

Saw a bear
A real fuckin' bear
Just walking
Like he wasn't a bear

Fuckin' insane
Let me tell you

Didn't want to come back home
Neither of us did
But Mark...

He cried in the car
In the back seat
Underneath a blanket
Pretending he was sleeping

I wanted to grab the steering wheel
And drive us into a tree
Anything to stop him from crying

But I just didn't say nothin'
I just sat there

But I wasn't going home
To the same home Mark was going to

Maybe if I was
I would have had the balls
To grab the wheel

But I just sat there
Quiet

. . . . .

Last night I had a dream
It was a half dream
The kind you have
Just when you're about to fall asleep
Or just when you're waking up

When you're thinking of things
And thinking makes you dream
And the dream's hazy
But you have control over it

You want an apple
And there's an apple

I like those dreams
I like making those apples happen
Knowing I'm in control

Yeah, I like those dreams
Where I'm in charge

Only way you can make a good dream
Is like that

I was sitting with Mark
And he was letting me hold Rain

We were sitting side by side
On his couch
And we weren't talking at first

But he was cool with me being there
Wasn't mad that I left
Bridge water, all of it

And we talked about Rain
Like she was ours
Like she was both of ours
Like we were going to raise her together

Talked about getting her a nice crib
Lots of toys
Send her to a nice school
A private school
Not like the shithole we got sent to

Going to take her camping
Going to tell her stories
Going to show her that spot
Underneath the stairs

Play hide and seek with her

And in the dream she looks like Mark
But she looks like me too
And she reaches up at us
With her hands
Like she knows us

Like she knows who we're supposed to be

And I look at Mark
And he looks at me
And it's over

The dream's over

I woke up under the blanket crying
Didn't want to get up
Didn't want to do nothin'
Fuckin' alarm goin' off
And I didn't care

Could have gotten in my car
And driven back
Right then and there
Caught him before he went to work

But I knew I wouldn't

I dreamed it
And dreaming it means it's a dream
And that means it don't happen

It don't happen to boys from Culver
Next to Scovie, an hour from Heddy
Who still sit on the couches their grandmothers sat on
And who still have the watches their fathers gave them
So they'd know how late their fathers were
The first time they didn't come to pick them up for the weekend

Same promises hung on the wall
Made about raising kids
And getting better jobs
And moving more than an hour away
And staying in touch

Next to the photos
Showing the four fuckin' times you were happy
In your whole fuckin' life

People tellin' you to smile
And you wonderin' if you know how

Anything more than that
And forget it

That shit don't happen for us boys

I fell asleep again
And this time I didn't choose my dream

I was under the stairs
And Mark was looking for me
Calling out my name
Asking where I was

Begging for me
Telling me to come back
Saying 'Please, please'
Over and over

But I knew I was gone
And I knew he wasn't going to find me
And somewhere upstairs
I heard a baby crying
And I knew that was Rain

And for the rest of the dream
All I heard
Was Rain