Resolve Not to Be Crazy

Tina...

Tina...

Tina...

Another year
Another year of crazy
Come and gone

Another gray hair on my head
Because y'all gotta ruin my life
With your no-meds style of living

Well, I got some resolutions for y'all
Things I think you should resolve to do
In this upcoming year

Rhonda, I think you should resolve
To sell that oboe
Before I throw it out the window

...Again

I still think you filled that dumpster with pillows
Because you knew what I was gonna do

Well guess?

Next time I'm filling the dumpster with horse manure
Then lighting it on fire
THEN throwing the oboe in it

So think about that
And then think about selling
That oboe

Take up a quiet instrument
Like the flute
Or the--

Nooooo--not the BONGOS

Ain't gonna be no bongo playin' in my house
On a Monday
While I'm trying to watch my Intervention
And my Hoarders

Speaking of which, I called that show
Because y'all are some Hoarders
And I don't see why we shouldn't capitalize on that

They didn't think y'all were crazy enough
Until I told them I saw Brandi drop a peach slice on the floor
Then it eat it like the floor was clean
When that floor ain't been cleaned in YEARS

YEAR-UHS

Brandi, I think you should resolve
To make this the year
You see a therapist
And get yourself some mental health
Or institutionalized
Whatever works best

I think you should resolve
To stop jumping on my couch
And dressing like a skanktank
And eating post-it notes

Then maybe you'll meet a man
And get the hell out of this place

TINA!

I am not talking to you--yet
So you need to relax
I gotta tell Cindy her resolutions first

Hand me my Double Stuf
I am resolving to eat more Double Stuf
In this upcoming year

Now Cindy, you need to resolve
To become a lady-lover
That's right, you heard me
You need to be done with me

DONE WITH THEM

They treat you bad
They make you cry
You can't find a one of 'em
That's decent in the hoo hah department

So you need to move on
Into a different direction
And that direction is lesbianism

Stop crying, Cindy
I know the truth hurts
But that's because your head is so thick
The truth's gotta bang up against it
Until you finally let it in

If Brandi calms her mental illness
Maybe she can find a man
And maybe that man will have a sister
And maybe then you can BOTH move out
And that'll just leave me with--

Miss Tina

Tina, you need to resolve
Not to be crazy

And I don't mean like how Brandi is
I don't mean
Dropped-On-Your-Baby-Head Crazy

I'm talkin' Mean Ass Bitch Crazy

You need to resolve
To knock that shit off
Because if you don't
This is gonna be the last year
You see outta both your eyes

I want you to think about that, Tina

Oh, and resolve to stay out of my closet!
I ain't playing around anymore

My closet smells like Doritos
And I know that's 'cause of you

You smell like Nasty Ranch, Tina
Don't get mad at me
God made you that way
He made you smell like Nasty Ranch Doritos

I don't know why
That's your cross to bear

Maybe this year you can have your pores looked at
Or something

. . . . .

You know, I was going to resolve to move this year
Get my own place
Start my life again
But then I realized
I don't need to do that

I just need to kick all your asses out

So start the clocks, ladies
Because in twelve short months

Y'all are gonna have to resolve
To drive somebody else crazy