But I'm Not Going to Cry

I'm going to take showers
Lots of showers
Cleansing, soulful showers
Where I will not sing
Where I will abandon dirt
And try not to think
But will inevitably think
Think about you
And him
And him with you
And you two...

Together

But I will not cry
But I'm not going to cry

And I'll be clean
I'll be clean and fresh
All the time

And that will be a plus
In this giant minus sign
Of a situation

I will delete you from my life
I will rip up letters...

Well, you never wrote letters
We live in the digital age, after all
But I will delete e-mails

I will get rid of everything that reminds--
Or just things that I directly associate--
Or maybe I'll just--

Okay, that's not going to work
But I'm not going to cry

I'm going to join the Peace Corps
I'm going to build small huts
For underprivileged children
In third world countries

Because maybe doing something
That insane
Will put YOU into perspective
Maybe it will put the entire SITUATION
Into perspective

Maybe almost getting killed
By a rogue gang of Kenyan freedom fighters
Will make me think of something
Other than you

Who knows?

Really, though
Who knows?

I don't know
I don't know anything
I just know
That I'm not going to cry

Because I can't cry
Because I have no tears
Because my body is dry
Because it's dehydrated
Beacause I miss you so much
The missing has soaked up
Every ounce of liquid
Inside of me

I haven't peed in months

I love you
And your love
Has turned me
Into a desert

And yes, the desert
Does in fact
Miss the rain

So I can't cry
But even if I could
I wouldn't

Because that's all I can do
Is not cry

That would be the only task
I'd be able to accomplish
At this point

Not Crying

That would be the only part of me
I'd be able to shield from all of this
The patches of my face
Directly between my eyes

I will keep those patches dry!
Because that must be my victory!

And I can take showers
And I can delete e-mails
And I can stop saying your name
To hear the sound of it
Because I don't have an actual reason
To say it anymore

There are so many parts of me
That I don't have control over

I can't stop myself from regretting
I can't stop remembering
I can't stop wishing I'd done things differently
I can't stop eating junk food
I can't stop writing bad poetry
I can't stop denying all the things I'm denying
I can't stop hoping
I can't stop holding onto too much
I can't stop talking about it
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

I...

But I'm not going to cry

That I can do

I can keep myself in this place
Where I don't cry
And I don't want to cry
And I don't need to cry

And from there
I'll figure out
Where else to go