Santa is Real

Yes, Little Mo
Santa is real

He was born in the Amazon jungle
Where he was raised by three-toed sloths
And taught the age-old fighting technique

Bahra-Deshmina

Which is where you kill people
By laughing and pointing at them

The technique is now taught in junior high
But at the time Santa was born
It was only known to the Amazonian sloths

When Santa was ten
He was sent out into the world
To make his fortune

He wound up in a brothel
Outside Mexico City
Where he became the cashier
And the ladies of the house
Called him their little jolly man

That's how that whole jolly adjective
Got hooked onto him

When he turned fifteen
He ran away with one of the ladies
And got married in a secret ceremony
Just as dawn was breaking
Over the city of Paris

Unfortunately, Rosalinda
That was the name of his wife
Was killed by mobsters
When Santa opened up a hooch hall
In Chicago during the prohibition

That's a long story

So anyway, Santa leaves Chicago
And goes to Ontario
Where he dabbles in sculpting

He even has a show at this gallery
But he finds that artistically he still feels stifled
So he starts making toys
And finds that he really enjoys it

At the time, Ontario had a very high dwarf population
And most of them were Irish dwarfs
And that's how Santa got all his elves

Though he thought he would never get over losing his wife
He soon found comfort in the home of his future wife, Mrs. Clause

She was married to a farmer in the Midwest
And Santa had to kill the man
And make it look like a tractor accident
But it was worth it
Because he and Mrs. Clause have been together ever since

At that point, there was a hit out on Santa's life
From both the Chicago mobsters
And the Nicaraguan drug dealers
Who Santa got into a thing with
Because he tried taking over Bolivia
When he needed some spare cash--

It's a long story

Anyway he had to go to the North Pole
Because the South Pole was not an option
Because penguins freak him out
Because a penguin ate his mother

So you see, Little Mo?

There is a Santa Clause
And he's been off the pipe
For a good seven years now
And he goes to meetings

There
Don't you feel better now?