When I Should Have Met the Boys

I. The First Boy

I should have met him when I was older
Kinder, rather
I was such an asshole when I was younger
I mean, I'm still an asshole
But I was an unapologetic asshole then
There was no making me feel bad
About being an asshole
Back then

I'm not saying I should have met him now
Because if I met him now
I'd like him
But I'd dismiss him
At least back then
Though I was an asshole
I spent more time on people
I invested more
I was willing to give more of myself

Now I do a flip check

Look
Listen
Ponder
Pass

And they're gone
And he'd be gone
In a heartbeat

Conservative leanings
Dark sense of humor
Overachiever

He'd be gone

But I bet I could have been better for him
If I had met him when I was older

II. The Second Boy

I should have met him earlier
When I was younger
When I wasn't looking for a husband
Just a boyfriend
Just someone to have fun with
Because he was fun
But when you wanted more than fun
You got yourself in trouble

I should have met him when I was more appreciative
I used to really appreciate things
Then I stopped
Then I started again
But there was a period of time
When I appreciated nothing
And that was when he met me

Any other time
And he'd have been fine

Well, not fine
Because he was crazy
But he was fun too
And he might have been a decent enough friend

If we hadn't met
When we did

III. The Third Boy

I should have met him now
Right now, like today
If I met him today
Everything would be perfect

Well, maybe not perfect

He worked too much
Sort of like the first guy
Only without the dramatics

He didn't get upset about work
He just worked, worked, worked
And I sat, sat, sat
And then I got bored
And back then when I got bored
I got bad--really fast

I did bad things
And rather than just say to him
'I'm bored'
I just did my own thing

I'm not really sure he's stopped working
I think he's still going strong
But he could have been another friend
I guess a lot of these guys could have been friends
If I hadn't ruined everything by dating them

IV. The Fourth Guy

I should have met him first
He would have been a perfect first
A perfect first everything

Not intimidating
Patient
Sweet

The sort of guy a seventeen-year-old
Dreams of dating

He probably would have set me on the right path
And I would have turned into a lovely, boring person
But a sweetheart

...Would I want to be a sweetheart?

Well, who knows?

Pointless to think about those things

V. The Fifth Guy

I should have met him later
Just later
Anytime later
Would have been fine

Anytime after when I actually met him
And I would have run for the hills
Within seconds

But somehow he caught me
At just the right moment
And everything seemed like a good idea
And silver linings lit up
Every sidewalk

And life was poetry

Funny how quickly
Poetry gets tiresome

You ever notice how hard it is
To read an entire book of poetry?

That was him
He was a poem I liked
So I bought the book
And I really, really
Didn't need the book

I should have stopped at the first poem
And life would have been darling
Just darling

VI. The Sixth Guy

I should have met him
Before the fifth guy

Then there might not have been a fifth guy
Or a sixth guy
Or any guy after that

But I met him when I did
And that's how I know God is cruel

If someone asked me to explain in one word
How I know God is kind
I would say: Fate

If someone asked me to explain in one word
How I know God is mean
I would say: Timing

VII. The Seventh Guy

It wasn't about when I met him
It was about when I lost him
It all happened in a moment

The choice was there

Fight or He's Gone

I didn't fight
Because I didn't want to fight
Because I wanted him
Without having to fight for him
Because I felt like
If I had to fight to get him
Then getting him wouldn't seem right

It wouldn't seem like--

(God is kind--)

Fate

So I didn't fight
And someone else came in
And without a fight
Took him away

Now?

Now I would fight
Now I would fight like hell

VIII. The Eighth Boy

If I met him now
I would have asked for the check
Before getting the appetizer

IX. The Ninth Boy

I really shouldn't have met him at all
There's only one way to deal
With a boy like him
And that's with a game

He was one big game

And when I met him
I didn't know how to play him
And if I met him now
I'd know, I'd know how to play
But that doesn't mean I should

It takes you years
To learn the rules
Of a guy like that

And once you know them
You're always faced with two choices

See if you can break through
Past the game, to the person
Or just play the game
And hope you win

And the problem with me
Is that I know the secret to life
And the secret to life is--

He who understands the rules best, wins the game.

And now I know his rules
So I'd win that game
But I'm not sure
You can call that winning

X. The Tenth Boy

I wish I had met him
Twenty years from now

In twenty years time
I might actually be a great guy
And then he might actually love me

In twenty years
I could be charming
And sophisticated
And rich
And famous
And desirable

And twenty-years-from-now him
Would fall, fall hard

. . . . .

Maybe it won't need to be twenty years
Maybe just ten, five
Maybe next year

Maybe next year
I'll be that someone

But not this year
This year
Just wasn't the right year