The Alton Brown Monologue

-- I don't like Alton Brown. I can't imagine anyone actually liking Alton Brown, but rather than write a rant about it, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for me to show people just how bitchy I can be when I don't like someone. With that, I give you... --

"The Alton Brown Monologue"

So I killed this nun
Which...

I mean, I'm making turkey
Which is difficult
And I found myself getting frustrated
So I went out and killed a nun

Now, normally
When I'm frustrated
I just sodomize a stuffed animal
Dressed up to look like a boy scout

This prevents me
From actually sodomizing a boy scout
Because, you know
Who needs the bad publicity

Anyone, do you want my potato salad recipe?
I have it hear somewhere

Ooohhh there it is!

Right behind the vibrator
Could have bitten me

(You have to get the deluxe model if you want that extra feature!)

Where was I?

Oh, the turkey

God, can you just relax with the f**king turkey?
I should go to your house and stab your cat
You're so f**king annoying

Do you know who I am?

I HOST IRON CHEF...AMERICA!

You know
The version nobody likes
No matter how many times we put Bobby Flay on it

(Sidenote from Kevin: I hate Bobby Flay too. Food Network should just be renamed Douchebags with Gravy Boats

Now, back to Alton.)

So me and Mario Batali are jerking it
And he goes for the maple syrup

Now I don't know about you
But when I'm about to get off
And I'm covered in play doh
I do NOT like maple syrup poured on me
I mean, I'm not a freak

But Mario can't get hard
Unless whoever he's screwing
Smells like fresh pancakes
So on goes the maple syrup

Hang on, did you hear that?

I think that orphan got loose

Motherf**ker

How many locks do I have to put on that door?

Anyway

I remember when I was hosting Food Network Star
And THEY had to make a turkey
And some of them did well
But none of them would get in the harness
So they all lost

Which should teach them something
About getting on television

Anyway, I have to go find that orphan
And then debone a duck
And maybe that nun

Tune in next week--I'll be on "To Catch a Predator"

I hope that kitchen has a decent
Mixing bowl!