Little Russian Dolls

Jessica left me because I didn't want kids
She didn't want kids either
Not now anyway
But I never want them
And so she figured
Why not just leave now

I mean
I guess that's what she figured

She didn't really say much
There was a lot of crying
And I didn't cry
And she was like--

Why aren't you crying?

And I'm all
I don't know
I don't cry
And she goes--

THAT'S AN ISSUE!

I mean, I know it's an issue
But wouldn't a bigger issue
Be if I made myself cry
When I didn't really feel like crying
I mean, that's being a sociopath, isn't it?
To do something like that?

I mean, I've DONE that
But I didn't want to do that THEN

Because I've always been honest with Jessica
And that's, ironically, what ended our relationship

I could have said 'I want kids'
I could have said 'I love your tuna casserole'
I could have cried
But none of that would have been honest
But that's what she wanted

She wanted me to lie
She just didn't want to know I was lying

But I couldn't do that
So she left

And she left because I didn't want kids
And I don't want kids because I have issues
With how I was raised
And I don't feel I have the skills
To do any better than my parents did
Because they didn't give me the skills
Obviously, paradoxical, I know

And because of the whole childhood thing
I have trust issues
And trust issues feed back into not wanting to have kids
And the whole thing is like--

Those little Russian dolls

There's one inside another inside another
Except with mine each issue is bigger than the last
And you never get to the end

And maybe that's why Jessica left
She couldn't see an end in sight
I don't blame her

I wish you could love someone
Past your own shortcomings

But I don't know how to do that

Some people say it's a wall
But it doesn't seem like a wall
It seems like a door

I'm on one side of it
And someone else is always on the other side
Knocking

And the door's locked
And neither one of us has the key
And the other person is always saying
That I won't open the door

But I don't the key, you know?
I just don't have it

So I just keep hoping that one day
I run into the person
Who does