Cooking for the Average Woman

Hello everyone

My name is Marjorie Follett

And  this is Cooking for the Average Woman

Goodness, it’s hot in here

Don’t y’all feel kind of warm?

I’m just going to take off this dress I’m wearing

And leave my cool, silk apron

Right where it is

--There!  That’s better

Now today, we’re going to make

A spring salad

And a nice, hot, spicy chili

With—

Phew, I’m getting sort of worked up

Just talking about that

That nice, hot, spicy chili

That you can eat on a nice, hot night

When the moon’s hitting your bare backside

As you slide seductively into a nearby pond

Or lake

Or even a kiddie pool

Depending on what you have

Because you’re an….average woman

Can’t you just see yourself

Making that spring salad

When all of a sudden

A strong pair of brawny arms

Sneaks up behind you

And wraps you up

Before you can take your diamond earrings off

So they don’t fall down the sink again

While he’s got you—

Ahh…hahaha…We should get working on that lobster

Oh, did I mention there’s lobster in the spring salad?

Well, of course there is

Otherwise it’s just lettuce

And who the hell wants to eat that?

Now, of course

I don’t know how to prepare lobster

My cook does that for me

But I’m sure you can buy it pre-cooked or something

And just toss it in the salad

The way you might toss your hair back

While those brawny arms

Grip your waist

The way a drowning man

Might grip a life-saver

In a turbulent sea

Oh God, now I’m thinking of sailors

Does anybody have a fan?

Or maybe somebody could just fan me?

I have some lettuce you could use

I’m not going to make the salad

Or the chili

I’ll just eat the lobster

And call it a day

…And you know what?

You should too

You’ve earned it

People eat too much these days anyway

And that’s your average woman lesson of the day!

I’ll see you tomorrow when we make Marjorie’s Wholesome Chicken Soup

It’s so good you just want to pour it all over yourself

And have somebody lick…

Uh, well—See you tomorrow!

God, it’s hard being average