The New Year's Resolutions of Angelina Jolie

I'd like to direct more
And speak more
And try to challenge this whole perception people have of me

That I'm..............................

............intimidating

I'd like to win another Oscar
But for Sound Design

I'd like to make that sequel to Girl, Interrupted
Where I kill Winona Ryder's character
And then go on the run
From the C.I.A.

I'd like Brad to stop doing this thing he does in bed
Where he brings me to heights of ecstasy
No mortal woman will ever know
So that I can feel the breath of angels
Dusting my face with a coating of joy
Only to finish
And then sleep in the guest room
Because my leg shakes when I sleep

I'd like to lose four...children
Not by death, of course
Just sort of...like could they just wander away?
Or be adopted by some other celebrity?
Like Sting?
Does Sting need children?

I don't necessarily want all four to go at once
But gradually
Over time
So that I don't even notice

Biological
Adopted
It's all the same to me

It's just...you know, even with nannies
There's just too many of them

I'd like to give up smiling
You might say, 'Angelina, you don't smile anyway!  You never smile!'
And I'd say, 'Children, you're giving Mommy a headache, please go away!
And stop calling me, Angelina.'

The truth is I smile once a night
Before I go to bed
Because I know I'll be lifted up to Paradise
By Brad
But even that's making a wrinkle appear
On the right side of my face
And it's unacceptable

Brad doesn't even have normal human genitalia, you know

It's more like a...wonderful, aerodynamic, buzzing wand
That searches for the weakest parts of a woman's true self
And makes them strong and...powerful

I'd like to quit exhaling
It just seems unnecessary to me

Science says it's impossible
But that's never stopped me before

I breathe underwater
I eat once a year
I haven't urinated since 2003

Why stop challenging myself now?

In my opinion,
Life is all about hearing somebody tell you that you can't do something
And then stealing their husband

Or something

Anyway, I have to go

I'm designing a set for a production of Ibsen's The Master Builder
In Bulgaria for this Asian director
You've never heard of

Ah well, another year
Another day

God, I'm such a philosopher
I really need to learn
To ease up on that

Wisdom can be so.............

...........heavy