-- A business lunch. --
CHARLOTTE: So I figured out the trick.
JEN: To increase sales?
CHARLOTTE: Clients.
JEN: Right, sorry, clients.
CHARLOTTE: The thing is--this is a small state.
JEN: It is. It really is.
CHARLOTTE: Really small.
JEN: Don't I know it.
CHARLOTTE: And there's no one to date.
JEN: Nobody. It's true.
CHARLOTTE: And all these people are joining all these different dating sites looking for people.
JEN: Right.
CHARLOTTE: People that don't exist.
JEN: Exactly. You're exactly right.
CHARLOTTE: That's how we get our site to stand out.
JEN: How? Bolder colors? Easier access?
CHARLOTTE: Jen, we can offer all the bells and whistles and easy access we want, but at the end of the day, if your site is the one that has the best people on it, you're the one everyone's going to sign up for.
JEN: Absolutely.
CHARLOTTE: And they'll pay for it.
JEN: Sure, but that's only if you manage to get all these amazing, eligible people to sign up. People who haven't already signed up for any other sites.
CHARLOTTE: I've got them.
(A beat.)
JEN: What?
CHARLOTTE: I found them. So far I have thirty-two eligible men and women ready to sign up for our site--exclusively.
JEN: How did you manage that?
CHARLOTTE: I'm paying them.
JEN: You're paying them?
CHARLOTTE: Moreso for the exclusivity than for just being on the site. I know it sounds weird--
JEN: Hey, no, that's great. I mean, if it drives up traffic to the site--
CHARLOTTE: You should see these people. They're stunning. And, I mean, decent conversationalists and whatever, but wow, are they attractive!
JEN: Where did you find them?
CHARLOTTE: Well, obviously, I had to do some...digging.
JEN: And once these people find someone they like and take themselves off the site, do you find new people?
CHARLOTTE: Well, that would get sort of expensive, so I was thinking I'd just keep this group around until people get sick of them--maybe two to three years?
JEN: But what if they find someone they like before then? And are they allowed to date each other?
CHARLOTTE: It's sort of complicated.
JEN: So they can't date each other?
CHARLOTTE: I actually don't want them dating...anyone.
(A beat.)
JEN: Huh?
CHARLOTTE: I'm prohibiting them for dating anyone else on the site. They're allowed to talk to people and go on a few dates here or there, but they're not allowed to get into a relationship with anybody.
JEN: So you're basically paying them to be, what? Decoys?
CHARLOTTE: They're not decoys. They're there to ensure that people who sign up for the site have a good experience.
JEN: Yeah, but only because all these attractive people are being paid to go out with them. You may as well have gone out and gotten thirty-two prostitutes.
(A beat.)
CHARLOTTE: This Caesar dressing is amazing.
JEN: You didn't go out and get thirty-two prostitutes, did you?
CHARLOTTE: ...Not exclusively.
JEN: Charlotte!
CHARLOTTE: Some of them are just high-priced escorts.
JEN: How could you do this?!?!
CHARLOTTE: Where else was I going to find gorgeous people I could pay to control?
JEN: Are you kidding me? We live in Los Angeles! You just described everybody here!
CHARLOTTE: Charlotte, these people specialize in showing people a good time. It's their job! You expect me to go get some out-of-work actor who did extra work on Boardwalk Empire to bore some poor slob from Encino to death over coffee? No! I went right to the professionals!
JEN: So how does this work? Someone messages the whore--
CHARLOTTE: Professional Dater.
JEN: Whatever. And she goes out with some guy on two or three dates and then never talks to him again?
CHARLOTTE: Pretty much.
JEN: Won't he just feel dejected and awful?
CHARLOTTE: No, because right around the time that girl disappears, another girl will start messaging him. That way, he won't even remember the last girl. It'll be the same for the women. One professional replaces another.
JEN: And what happens when they go through all sixteen?
CHARLOTTE: Well, hopefully, before that happens, they meet an actual person they can date. But if it doesn't, the first professional just shows up again and says "Sorry, I lost your number. Want to go out again."
JEN: By that time, you could also have a brand new batch of hookers.
CHARLOTTE: Professionals. And yes, that's true. I didn't think of that.
JEN: Well, I have to say--this is sort of a brilliant idea.
CHARLOTTE: Really?
JEN: I don't know if it'll work with the women, but it's every man's fantasy to have a new beautiful woman want to date him every few weeks.
CHARLOTTE: I know, right!
JEN: And even though it's completely immoral and wrong, since you're not paying these people to have sex, I don't really think it crosses that--
CHARLOTTE: Well, they're not going to be forced to have sex with anyone.
JEN: Forced?
CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I mean, if they want to have sex with someone, that's their choice, but--
JEN: Charlotte, you're paying these people to go on dates. If you pay them to go on dates and then they have sex with--
CHARLOTTE: Then, that's totally their choice.
JEN: I think that's really--
CHARLOTTE: I mean, they'll get a bonus too, but other than that--
JEN: A bonus?
CHARLOTTE: Yeah, just a--you know, something, to--because they went the extra mile.
JEN: A financial bonus?
CHARLOTTE: Oh c'mon, Jen, it's not like I'm going to give them a toaster oven every time they have sex with someone.
JEN: Charlotte! This is insane!
CHARLOTTE: Do you have any idea how much money we'll pull in if we're known as--
JEN: As what? The Hooker House?
CHARLOTTE: The regular users won't know they're having sex with professionals.
JEN: I'm sure when the women on the site start having sex with sensitive, charming men who listen to their every word, are totally attuned to their needs, and care about nothing more than making them feel good, they're going to know something is terribly wrong.
CHARLOTTE: Jen, four of my guys are from Australia. One can bench-press a Prius. Trust me, these women are going to be sending me gift baskets once a month.
JEN: There's also the matter of us getting arrested.
CHARLOTTE: We're not going to get arrested! People do this sort of thing all the time.
JEN: Pimps! Pimps do this sort of thing all the time! Pimps and madams. I am not a madam. I don't own a silk robe. I don't drink out of a snifter. I don't drape cloth over my lamps and play Sam Cooke for no reason.
CHARLOTTE: Jennifer, we run a dating site. People come to us desperate for love and attention. They want someone to connect with them, to dig into their souls, and bring out their inner good. And they're never going to find that because it's 2013 and people only care about themselves and whoever happens to be on the cover of Us Weekly so instead we're giving them hookers and gigolos. We can either be romantics or capitalists who get laid by people who don't really love them, and I'm nearing forty so the latter is looking better and better everyday. Now are you in, or are you out?
JEN: Nothing you just said is true. That guy Trevor I met on the site last month? He and I have gone on three amazing dates, and I am not ashamed to tell you that last night, I had the best sex with him I have ever had in my life. He was tender and gentle and ohmygodhesoneofthemisn'the?
CHARLOTTE: You know, I haven't seen our waitress in hours.
JEN: How could you do this?
CHARLOTTE: Do what? I just added them a month ago. I was waiting for the right time to tell you. I didn't think you'd have already gone through one of them by now.
JEN: Is his real name even Trevor?
CHARLOTTE: That's what he told me it was. Trevor Hardbody.
(A beat.)
CHARLOTTE: Okay, so maybe not.
JEN: I will never forgive you for this.
CHARLOTTE: You don't have to forgive me, but you do owe four hundred bucks.
JEN: Four hundred bucks?!?!? That's how much that guy is worth?
CHARLOTTE: And he's one of the cheaper ones.
JEN: That's crazy!
CHARLOTTE: Is it, Jen? Think about it.
(She thinks about it.)
JEN: Okay, fine. I'm in.
CHARLOTTE: Really?
JEN: Yes, but from now on--I get a company discount.
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment