For Our Fans

      (A law office. TOM, TINA, and the MODERATOR are at a table.)

MODERATOR:  So you don't want to split up your, uh, assets?

TOM:  No.

TINA:  It's too lucrative.

TOM:  We don't want to risk it fracturing if we split up.

TINA:  We get along. We don't want to be married anymore, but we don't hate each other.

TOM:  Working together shouldn't be a problem. We just needed a moderator to help us create new boundaries and to, uh--

TINA:  Figure out what who is doing what.

TOM:  Yes.

MODERATOR:  Well that doesn't sound too hard. Last week I had a couple in here who wanted to work out a custody schedule for their living room couch.

     (The MODERATOR laughs. TOM and TINA do not.)

MODERATOR:  Okay, well, uh, let's begin. I guess the obvious question is--are the two of you still comfortable having sex with each other?

TINA:  What kind of sex?

MODERATOR:  Let's start wiiiiiiiiith intercourse?

TOM:  Position?

MODERATOR:  Missionary?

     (A beat.)

TOM/TINA:  I'm fine with that./Works for me.

MODERATOR:  I'm not a therapist, but I'm not sure that's the healthiest--

TINA:  Do you know how much money we make on our OnlyFans every week?

MODERATOR:  No?

TINA:  It's enough to pay for a therapist if we think we need one to deal with all our unhealthy decisions. What's next?

MODERATOR:  Tina on top?

TINA:  Front-facing or reverse?

MODERATOR:  Front-facing?

TINA:  I'm not comfortable with that.

TOM:  We do better with reverse anyway.

TINA:  That's actually not true, but--

TOM:  Then why are we giving up--

TINA:  Because I don't want to look at you, Tom.

TOM:  We already agreed to missionary.

TINA:  I don't look at you when we do missionary.

TOM:  You don't?

TINA:  I close my eyes.

TOM:  You do?

TINA:  Tom, how have you never noticed--

MODERATOR:  Since this isn't therapy, I'm not sure we should--

TINA:  You're right.

TOM:  Apologies.

MODERATOR:  Tina agrees to reverse, not front-facing. Doggie style?

TOM:  I hate that position.

TINA:  Do you hate it or are you uncomfortable with it?

TOM:  Why does that matter?

TINA:  Because I hate having sex with you, but it doesn't always make me uncomfortable.

TOM:  I'm still not sure what the question is.

TINA:  We're here to eliminate doing things that make us uncomfortable.

TOM:  If I hate something, wouldn't it, by default, make me uncomfortable?

TINA:  No.  I just said that I hate all sex with you but--

TOM:  You hate it all?

TINA:  Yes.

TOM:  Really?

TINA:  Tom, why do you think we're getting a divorce?

TOM:  I didn't think it was because--

TINA:  I hate sweet potatoes but I still ate them when we were married, because you liked them, and if somebody paid me what the OnlyFans is paying me to keep eating them, I would, whereas some things, some sexual things, are things I don't feel comfortable doing, and so there's not a price tag you can put on that.

TOM:  You mean you can't put a price tag on you looking at me while we have sex?

TINA:  A look or a glance?

TOM:  What's the difference?

MODERATOR:  A glance is quick. A look lingers.

TINA:  That was a lovely way of putting it.

MODERATOR:  I used to be a poet, but it doesn't pay well.

TOM:  I don't want to do doggie style.

TINA:  Then we won't. We don't make much off it anyway.

MODERATOR:  Oral sex?

TINA:  Him or me?

MODERATOR:  You on him.

TINA:  No.

MODERATOR:  Him on you.

TINA:  Fine with it.

TOM:  Hey!

TINA:  Tom?

TOM:  You're right. I'm fine with it.

MODERATOR:  And is kissing going to be involved in all this?

TINA:  I'd rather not kiss.

TOM:  That feels so impersonal.

TINA:  They're not subscribing for the warm feelings we give them, Tom.

TOM:  It's hard for me to get into it without kissing.

TINA:  It's hard for me to get into it when I know you've screwed every assistant I've ever had.

MODERATOR:  Let's stay on task.

TOM:  There was one I didn't screw.

MODERATOR:  Tom, are you okay with Tina continuing to tie you up?

TOM:  Sure. We already bought all the rope.

MODERATOR:  Tina?

TINA:  I'm fine with it.

MODERATOR:  Fantastic.

TOM:  What about the hot tub?

TINA:  I'm not having sex in the hot tub.

TOM:  People love the hot tub.

TINA:  Tom, it's not you, I just don't like having sex in the hot tub.

TOM:  You were the one who--

TINA:  I know, but once I did it--

MODERATOR:  But Tom, this means you can keep the hot tub.

TOM:  Great. Maybe I'll make videos with someone else.

TINA:  Absolutely not.

TOM:  What?

TINA:  You can't make videos with other people.

TOM:  Are you kidding?

TINA:  I'm not saying you can't have sex with other people. You just can't film it.

TOM:  That's my favorite part!

MODERATOR:  Tina's looking for exclusivity, Tom.

TOM:  She can't have it.

TINA:  I have to insist.

TOM:  You're not getting that.

TINA:  Tom, I'm agreeing to it too.

TOM:  I don't care.

MODERATOR:  Tom this is all about give and take.

TOM:  Well then take this and shove it up your--

MODERATOR/TINA:  Tom.

TOM:  I am not agreeing to only having sex with my ex-wife for the rest of my life.

TINA:  Again, only on camera.

TOM:  I never have sex off-camera.

TINA:  What a time for you to grow, Tom.

MODERATOR:  Might I suggest that you can film yourself, you just can't release it. Tina, would that be all right with you?

TINA:  If he wants to walk around with a bunch of videos nobody but him is going to see, have at it.

MODERATOR:  Tom, how do you feel about that?

TOM:  I can...work with that.

MODERATOR:  See?  We're doing so well.  Now, how many times a week do you two want to film?

TOM/TINA:  Six./Two.

     (A beat.)

MODERATOR:  We might be here for awhile.

     End of Play