Emo Boy at a Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party

Um, did you ASK to have your cake
Be shaped like a polar bear?

Are you aware that polar bears
Are slowly becoming extinct
Due to global warming
Due to corporations and governments
Having no regard to the environment?

Do you realize that by eating that cake
You are symbolically contributing
To the death of an entire species
Making you no better than the Fat Cats
And the Corrupt Senators?

Now that you're turning six
You need to start thinking about these sorts of things

Did your grandmother actually buy you
A Throat Slasher action figure?

Even though Throat Slasher
Promotes violence
And chasing dumb sorority girls
Through the woods

Both of which are bad

I was going to buy you a present
But I decided it was more important
To teach you
The value
Of anti-materialism

Which is, like
My religion

Instead, I planted a tree in your honor

I mean, I ate an apple
And then, like
Put one of the seeds in the ground
And said a prayer to the Apple Gods
That a tree would grow

And so now it's in that patch of dirt
In front of the mall
Where a tree would be awesome
Because it would shield
The temple of consumerism
From public view

Plus there'd be, like
Apples whenever you wanted them
Like, if you HAD to go to the mall
Because, like, maybe a girl you like
Who's been brainwashed by society
Is now working at the Gap

And so you visit her
But only to try and get her to quit

It'd be cool if, like
You could also pick some apples
While you were doing that

I guess...

Are you still going to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey later?

Even though it promotes
Violence
Against animals?

Why don't we play pin-the-embezzlement-charge-on-the-broker game instead?

It's a way harder game

Is that a pinata?

Did you know that they make those in Guatemalan factories
Where poor little Guatemese children
Are forced to slave away day and night
Just so you can have something to hit
Thereby, once again, encouraging your caveman tendency towards violence
All so that tooth-rotting candy can fall out
And possibly poke somebody in the eye
Thereby, blinding them for life
And, if they were going to grow up to be an artist
Depriving the world of beauty?

...Well, now you know

It's okay, you can still play 'Duck, Duck, Goose'
Even if it is a game that promotes isolation
Bullying
And inappropriate touching

I have to leave anyway
To go see that girl at the Gap
And persuade her
That's drenching her soul
In bad karma
By working there
And that one day it'll affect the children
I assume we'll be having
Once scientists isolate the gene
That guarantees your kid will be
The best guitar player of all time

Have a good birthday

And by the way
That clown over there?

Probably uses environmentally unfriendly
Non-organic face paint

Just putting that out there