Charlie Learns to Swear

I taught Charlie to swear
In third grade

We were on the playground
And I fell and hurt myself
And I swore
And Charlie gasped
And put his hand over his mouth

I said, 'Charlie, what's wrong?'
And he said, 'Nothing'
Because he knew he was lame
For not swearing

I said, 'You've never said a bad word, have you?'

And he said, 'My Mommy says when we say bad words, God takes away a grandparent.'

Jesus, I thought
No wonder all mine were dead before I was born
My mom used to drop the f-word
If she guessed wrong on 'Wheel of Fortune'

Anyway, I found it crazy
Even at that age
That Charlie didn't swear

So I took him underneath the slide
And I said--'Charlie, say fuck'

And he wouldn't say it

Just hearing me say the word
Made his whole face turn red

'Charlie,' I said, 'Say fuck'

And he wouldn't say it
So I hit him

'Say it' I said

But he wouldn't
So I kept hitting him
And I knew he couldn't hit me back
Because I'm a girl
And that means I'm precious
Like a doll

'SAY FUCK!' I said

And finally I hit him really hard
And he yelled--

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!'

And our teacher heard
And she brought him to the principal's office
But before she could do that
He grabbed me and kissed me
Like in some kinda movie

I guess I unleashed his passion
Or something

Coincidentally
I grew up and became a minister's wife
And my husband swears
Even more than I do

But I'll tell you something
The best kiss I ever got
Was the one Charlie gave me
Right under the slide