Charlie's One Night Stand

I took Charlie home one night

Actually, that's not true

I brought him home

Carried, almost

He was...drunk

We were both...No, he was more

I don't want you to think
This was a mutual mistake

He was pretty much unconscious
And I was...

I was going to die the next day

I had planned it
I had planned on dying

And I did

I don't want you to get your hopes up
That this is some story
About Charlie showing me
The value of life

I understood the value of life
And I understood mine didn't have any
So I did, in fact, sail my boat
Out into the ocean
And I just...

Didn't come back

I'll let you use your imagination
As far as the rest is concerned

Before I died, I wanted to have a fling
I'd never had a fling
And I wanted one

So I went to this bar
And I saw Charlie sitting there
Already slightly buzzed
And I called the bartender over
And instructed him
To get that man as drunk as possible
And if he did
I'd tip him a thousand dollars

I should explain
That for my entire life
I was very wealthy

My family ran a taffy shop
Near the Santa Monica Pier
And, believe it or not
There's big money in taffy

Especially once you become a brand

My whole life was taffy

I was an only child
So I took over the business
When my parents died in a car accident
And then one day I woke up
And realized my entire life
Had been given over
To edible rubber

That's when I knew I had to die

I never thought about
What I'd do with my money

At one point I thought--

Well, I like dolphins

Maybe I'll give it to dolphins

But how do you go about doing that?

Do you know how many dolphin charities there are?

And how do you know which dolphin charity is a good charity?

There's no website for that kind of thing

Oh they say there's a website for everything
But there's no website for that

Where was I?

Oh yes, I brought Charlie home and fucked him

I climaxed twice, gave him a break
Then did it again
And then...that was sort of it

Remember, he was still completely out of it

He kept singing Tom Jones
Which I thought was incredibly strange
But...sort of erotic as well

When we were done
I got out my checkbook
So that I could leave Charlie some money
Since he'd fulfilled my last wish

I wrote a note on the hotel stationary
Saying--

'Please just take this money and don't feel like a whore.'

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded
So I tore up the note
And just wrote the check

As I was about to set it on the nightstand
Next to Charlie's underwear
I noticed his eyes were open
And he was looking
Right up at the ceiling

'I have to go home,' he said

I thought he meant that he had to leave
So I tossed him one of his socks

'No,' he said, 'I have to go back where I'm from.  I tried it out here and it didn't work.  I didn't work.  I don't work.  I'm not working.'

He wasn't making much sense
But then again, five hours earlier
I did see him drink something
Straight out of a shoebox

'I have to go back with my tail between my legs,' he said, 'I'm a failure, and everybody's going to know it.  Everybody's going to know that I failed.'

Funny

In my entire life, I was never once called a failure
And yet, that's all I ever felt like

Never went on a date
Never went to a prom
Never went more than five seconds without thinking about business and branding and taffy

I always had money
So everybody always considered me a success

Money
That's success

So I looked down at the check
I was writing for Charlie
And I added a few more zeroes

'Here you go, Charlie,' I said, 'Here's success.'

I even wrote that on the line
Where you say what the check is for

This check is for--'Success'

The next day I got on a boat
And that was that

I hope that money did more for Charlie
Than it did for me

I hope it made him realize that success
Is floating on a boat in the middle of the ocean
And eventually start to feel like
You want to turn around
And go home