Charlie's Second Wife

I didn't want to come here

Just so we're clear about that

I did NOT want to come here

Charlie was...

Uh, well
He was my husband
For a time

We have a daughter together

I'm sure what else you'd like me to say

I came here today
Because I was worried
That nobody would come

Charlie was a very isolated individual

And I didn't think it would be right
For my daughter's father
Not to have a decent funeral

So I came, and I'm here
And now I don't know
What to say

My sister told me not to come
She said it would just upset me
But how do you avoid things in life
That upset you?

You don't have a choice

Life is upsetting

Charlie and I divorced
That was upsetting

He started drinking
That was upsetting

When his best friend killed himself
That was upsetting

Not just for him
For both of us
And that was what started the drinking
And that was what led to the divorce

It was like a bad day
That just never ended

You want me to share fond memories
About Charlie?

Because I'm sure I have fond memories
But I can't remember them

And when I do they seem like things
That happened to other people

That's what drinking and divorce
Do to an otherwise happy life
It washes it all away
Like a flash flood

The best I can do is tell you
About the night I left Charlie

That's the best memory I can think of

Isn't that sad?

I could tell you about our first date
And our wedding
And the day our daughter was born
But telling you about that
And getting choked up about it
Would just seem disingenuous

My daughter being born
Is a happy memory for me
But I've removed Charlie from it altogether

That's what happens when you get a divorce
You start removing the person from your good memories
To protect them
To protect your children

It's the only way, really

But I do have the image of him
On the night I left

We had a fight, of course
He had been drinking, of course

We had been taking these dance classes
To try and improve our relationship
And it just--

It wasn't working at all

I suspected Charlie
Of having a crush on the teacher even
And that's what we fought about

After the fight, I was just sitting on our bed
With my head in my hands
Thinking, this is it
This has to be it

You just get to the point where...

So I went to find him
To tell him
I thought maybe he'd be in the kitchen or something

But...

He was in our daughter's room

Sitting next to her bed

She was sleeping

She learned how to sleep through our arguments
Isn't that terrible?

That's how used to them she was

He was sitting there next to her
Singing this song
I forget what it was
But it was something about--

I can't live without you

Something like that

And I could see it, you know
I could see
How badly
He wanted to be better

How much he wanted to be a good father
And it just...

In that moment
It just wasn't possible

And it wasn't fair, you know
Because his own dad had left him
And from what Charlie said
He was an asshole anyway

And his mother was a bitch
And his brother married his first wife
And his friend killed himself
And you just have to wonder--

How could a person go through all that
And make it out all right?

I know people have
I know every time you say that somebody's had it rough
Some asshole in front of you
Has to pipe up
And say they've had it worse

Well, fine
But some people break
Some people just break
And then who do you blame?

Their father, their mother, their brother?

Ghosts?

Are you supposed to blame ghosts?

I saw my husband sitting there
Next to his daughter
Wanting nothing more in this world
Than to break through
All of his own bullshit
And just be a good father
Just be someone
She could be proud of

And he couldn't do it

He just couldn't

But seeing him that way
Seeing him want it that much

That's the best memory I can think of

It wasn't enough to make me stay
But...

It was something to tell my daughter
When she said she didn't want to go to his funeral

I said, 'He tried, sweetie.

You'll never know
How hard he tried.'