Charlie and the Man on the Plane

I was sitting on a plane ride
Next to Charlie
On the way back from Italy

I'd gone there to try and convince the Italians
That they needed non-stick cookware

My company--which, in case you hadn't guessed
Produces non-stick cookware
--Thought that Italians would appreciate
Better kitchenware

What they failed to realize
Is that most Italians use olive oil while cooking
So nothing ever sticks to their pans anyway

The entire trip was pointless
Aside from a day trip I took
To a village outside Palermo
Where they fed me homemade pasta
And offered me their daughters

On the plane ride, Charlie and I struck up a conversation

Normally I'm not that chatty
But high altitude
And a stewardess who goes heavy on the gin
Can work wonders
For my social skills

I even showed him a tattoo I got
When my mother died

I told him that I get a tattoo
Every time someone close to me dies

You have to get it right after it happens
That way you don't know
Which pain is which

While we were talking
This baby across the aisle from us
Started crying

Its mother was a young Italian woman
And she started getting very upset

Then she pointed to Charlie
And started saying something
But I couldn't understand what

Charlie was on the trip as a school chaperone
So he had one of his students
Come up and talk to the woman

'You're not an Italian teacher,' I asked
'No,' he said, 'The Italian teacher got caught drinking vino in the janitor's closet.  They asked me to come in his place.'

At this point, the baby was howling
And the mother kept pointing at Charlie

Finally, Charlie's student explained to him
That the woman was saying
That the baby's father was waiting for them in America
And that he would sing the baby to sleep every night over the phone
And Charlie's voice sounded just like her husband's
So would he please sing to the baby?

Honestly, I don't know why people bring young children on planes
Children should be kept in the hospital they're born in
Until the age of seven

Charlie took the baby--I mean what choice did he have?

And then he looked at me and said--'What should I sing?'

'I don't know,' I said, 'Volare?'

So Charlie started singing 'Volare'
And I don't know if you know what happens
When you sing 'Volare' on a plane filled with Italian students
And native Italians
But here's the spoiler alert--

Everybody
Sings
Along

By the second chorus
Even I was joining in
And the captain chimed in
From over the loudspeaker

And despite the fact that we were all making a lot of noise
The baby konked right out
And the mother took the baby
And thanked Charlie

'Charlie,' I said, 'You're a natural with kids.'

And he said, 'I used to sing to my daughter when she was that age.'

I thought that was very nice

Overall, Charlie seemed like a very nice guy

By the way, a month later I quit my job
And moved to that little town in Italy
Where I proceeded to live out the rest of my life
Running a vineyard
And getting fat

On the plane ride over, there were no screaming babies
And no singing 'Volare'
And no Charlie

And to be honest

It wasn't quite the same