Charlie and the Pregnant Lady

Charlie and I got mugged at the same time

It was a traumatic experience

Charlie's lucky he didn't have a heart attack and die

He wasn't from New York originally

And I think he was only there

For a wedding or something

And then he just ended up hanging around

Which people sometimes do

That's neither here nor there

What's here and there

Is that I was pregnant

And as soon as we got mugged

My water broke

I remember yelling at the mugger

Saying--

'Look what you did!'

And him saying--

'I popped you?'

And me saying--

'No, you asshole!  I'm pregnant!'

And he said--

'I didn't get you pregnant!'

That's when I realized

He was one of those crazy muggers

Who want money

So they can buy a zebra

From the zoo

I slapped Charlie

Because he was in shock at this point

Either from being mugged

Or from seeing a woman's water break

Right there on the sidewalk

It was about 3am

And I had gone out to the all night store

For some Gatorade

With chewing gum

Because my unborn Sophia

Had a thing for fruit flavoring

Once Charlie was coherent

I told him to get on his cell phone

And call me a cab

So we could go to the hospital

'You want me to go with you,' he said

'You gonna let a pregnant woman go to the hospital alone,' I said

Then the mugger goes--'I'll go with you'

And I said--'Like hell you will.  You just mugged me.'

Even though all he took was the chewing gum

Once the cab got there

Me, Charlie, and the mugger got in

Because I didn't want to argue with the mugger

Since crazy people tend to be unstable

I did have to keep slapping Charlie

Because he kept shaking his head

Saying 'This can't be happening'

So I had to keep sleeping him

Saying 'It's happening, Charlie, it's happening'

When we got to the emergency room

The nurse asked me who the father was

And since I had to choose between the mugger

And Charlie

I chose Charlie

I wasn't about to tell the nurse

That the baby's father

Was an asshole from Brooklyn

Who knocked me up

Right before he told me

That his wife's coma wasn't as serious

As he thought it was

Charlie was there when my little Sophia was born

He cut the cord and everything

I said 'Charlie, you got any kids?'

And he said, 'No'

I said, 'You should have some kids.  They're the only real proof that you've lived on this Earth.'

He said, 'That's good advice.'

And I said, 'Don't I friggin' know it?'

He gave me a kiss on the head

Handed me the baby

And took off

Although he did leave a check at the nurses' station

And it wasn't for a small amount either

I put it towards Sophia's college tuition

But she ended up using it

To get a tattoo of a lizard on her ass

Kids are kids, right?

I saw the mugger a few months later

When I was walking Sophia

In her stroller

I asked him if he was still mugging people

And he said that he was off his meds

And now he's fine

And back at his regular job

I asked what that was

And he said--

'I'm a professor at Columbia'

Just goes to show you

You don't know anything about people

You think you do

But you're wrong

You're pretty much always wrong