Charlie's Sponsor

Charlie asked me to be his sponsor
After he heard me talk about my brother
At a meeting

My brother was sick for a long time
Not like, sick sick
But, uh, he had a mental illness

Which is sick, I guess
I just...

We didn't talk about it much in my family
We just said that he had 'problems'

Well, one day
He got sick of his problems
And he put a shotgun in his mouth

I was thirteen or fourteen
He was about six years older than me
And even with his problems
I thought the sun rose and set on him

He was my big brother

Charlie heard me tell that story
And he told me about his friend
And how something similar happened with him
And how that's what started his drinking
Same as me

I was really honored
That Charlie asked me
To be his sponsor
But I didn't really think about what it meant
Until I'd already said yes

I'm not saying it was hard
It was just...

Charlie had no support system

Not really

His ex-wife turned into a real ballbreaker
And she turned his daughter against him
And his family wanted nothing to do with him
And he was living in this house
By himself
Staring at a wall
Trying to will himself not to drink

I think if it weren't for the fact
That he was the most stubborn bastard I ever met
He probably would have just done it

He probably would have just
Drank himself to death
And never thought anything of it

I remember asking him once

'Charlie, do you want to live?'

And he took a second
And then said--

'Kinda.  I'd like to see what's going to happen.'

Curiosity

That's what kept Charlie alive

Then I got the call
That every sponsor
Thinks about getting

It was his friend's birthday
And he wanted to drink
To drink and to die

He said he was standing on the bridge
Right at the spot
Where his friend jumped off
And he wanted to jump too

He had a handle of vodka in his backseat
And he wanted to guzzle it down
And then jump

I knew I could have given him a bunch of platitudes
And talked to him about the value of life
Or ran to my neighbor's house
And called 9-1-1

But...

The next day was going to be my brother's birthday

My brother's birthday
And the anniversary of Charlie's friend's death
Were one day apart

I don't know if he knew that
He probably didn't

But I had a gun under my mattress

I keep it there for protection
That's what I say
That it's for...

I say it to myself

Protection

But...

Some nights...

My brother had the best smile you've ever seen in your life
I mean, the best smile

How could somebody so miserable
Have a smile like that?

And how could anybody help him
How could anybody know
How bad it was
When they were looking
At that smile?

So Charlie's on the phone crying
And I take out the gun
And I lay down
And put it next to me
Like it's a baby
And I'm its mother

And I say--

'Charlie, look down in that water.  If you see your friend down there, telling you to come on in--that that's what you need to do--go down there and join him--then you do it.  Go ahead and do it.  I won't try to stop you.'

And I laid
And waited

For a splash
For a scream
For a bottle breaking
For anything

And I said--

'Charlie, do you see him?'

And there's silence

And then he says--

'No, I don't see him.'

I took the gun
I put it back under my mattress
And I waited until I heard Charlie
Get back in his car
And start it up

'I didn't see him,' he said

I got in bed
And pulled the covers up to my chin

'Yeah, Charlie,' I said, 'I didn't think you would'

Then I looked over at the nighstand
And saw the clock
Turn twelve