Charlie's Mayor

Charlie Stamp was a mean old bastard

I used to dread reelection time
Because that meant
Having to go to Charlie's house
And have him explain to me
Why he had no intention of voting for me

'You're just ugly,' he'd say, 'You're a hideous man.'

And I'd take a deep breath, and say--

'Charlie, first off, that's a matter of opinion and my wife disagrees with you, as do my two girlfriends.  Secondly, what does that have to do with my ability to be mayor of your town?'

But by then, he was usually asleep
In his kitchen
With his bowl of pudding
Curdling right in front of him

So I'd dump out the pudding
And wash the bowl
And carry that mean little asshole
Right into his bedroom
And put him neatly on the bed

Then he'd go vote for whoever was running against me
Despite the fact that none of those jerk-offs
Ever had to carry his sorry ass to bed

Finally, one year, I said I'm not doing it
I am not going to that house again

I won without him before
I can win without him again

And of course, that was the year I didn't win

Win or lose, you still get a party
It's just that at one they're getting drunk to celebrate
And at the other they're getting drunk to pass out

I was nearly passed out
When Charlie showed up
And informed me that if I had showed up at his house
I'd have won the election

'Charlie,' I said, slurring my speech all the way, 'How do you figure that?'

He then told me
That every year he would tell everybody in his neighborhood
How the ugly mayor had showed up at his house
And put him to bed when he fell asleep
And everybody just found that story adorable
And this year, when Charlie didn't tell it
Everybody assumed I'd forgotten about the little guy
And lo and behold, I lost the election

'But Charlie,' I said, 'You never actually voted for me.'

'Who cares,' he said, 'Everybody else did.'

Then he walked away
And left me to my drinking

I ended up becoming a Senator
And when I was running
I showed up at Charlie's house
Only to find out
He'd passed away

I won the election
But that was only after
I went to the cemetery
And put a pillow down on his grave

'There you go, Charlie,' I said, 'One more time for luck'

Charlie helped remind me
That when you're a politician
You're not just there for the people who voted for you
But for the people who didn't too

It's a good lesson to remember

I'm glad I had Charlie to teach it to me

But he was still a mean old bastard