Charlie Goes Camping

My husband and I
Met Charlie and his wife
On a camping trip

It was our first camping trip
And...

It was pretty much
The thing
That made me decide
I had to kill my husband

I never ended up doing it
But for years I dreamed of doing it
The way some women dream
Of winning the lottery

I didn't want to go camping
I wanted to go to Europe
But my husband said
That if you go to Europe
You get food poisoning
And spend thousands of dollars
To puke in foreign toilets

I said 'They pronounce it "toilette" in Europe'
But he didn't get the joke

That's how our second honeymoon
Became a camping trip

Charlie and his wife seemed to enjoy themselves

They were still newly married
And it was a second marriage

I hear second marriages are nice

It must be like how giving birth is nicer the second time
Because you forget
How awful it was
The first time

Anyway, Charlie and his wife stayed in their tent
The whole first day
And I could hear rustling

Personally, being in a place
Where you had to pee
Over what looked like a half-eaten rabbit carcasse
Didn't really strike me as being all that erotic

Then it started to rain
And it never stopped

My husband didn't put the tent up right
And at some point
He punctured a hole in the roof of it
So we had to move out of our tent
And in with Charlie and his wife

I'd love to say they offered
But it was more like--

They took mercy on us

We were standing outside their tent
Soaking wet
Holding all our clothes
And weeping like Bosnian refugees

So they let us in

And the four of us
Actually had a nice time
Talking about marriage
And what it's like when you first start
And what's it like when the first start's over

I tried not to scare Charlie and his wife too much
But I think they saw the dull ache of slow death
Burning in my eyes

Eventually my husband and Charlie's wife passed out
And Charlie and I had a nice conversation
Where I confessed to him
That I dream of running over my husband
With various types of vehicles

I said that when I finally settle on the right one
He's a goner

Charlie asked if I always hated him that much
And I said, 'No, you can only hate somebody this much if at one point you loved them even more.'

I thought about writing that on a greeting card
But I could never seem to find the right occasion

The next day, my husband and I went back home
And a year later
I died of a brain aneurysm

Although, and I'm no doctor, but--

If I had to guess
I'd just say that my body committed suicide
Because it knew my mind
Was too chicken to do it

I hope Charlie and his wife made it
They were such a nice couple

But I could already see that dull ache
In Charlie's eyes
And when he fell asleep
I pretended to sleep too
But really I was watching him
Sleeping with his arms wrapped around his wife
And I could see

--And I don't know how I could see
But I could--

I could see her
Already starting
To pull away