Charlie in the Elevator

Charlie and I got trapped in an elevator together once
Going down from the lawyer's office
To the street

He was finalizing his second divorce
And I was an intern at the firm
Who'd been asked
To sit in on his meeting
Because it looks better
To have more people on one side of the table
Than the other

We got in the elevator
Just by coincidence

And about three seconds
The power went out
And we were stuck

We were only stuck in there for about an hour
But an hour in an elevator
Is a long time

When you've just finished
Listening to a man
Get railroaded
By his new ex-wife

I guess it could have been worse

He and the ex-wife
Could have gotten stuck in the elevator together

But most ex-wives
Take the stairs
So they can start losing stress weight
Put on from the divorce
And find a new husband

Charlie and I got to talking
About the weather
And movies
And how if we weren't rescued
We wouldn't mind eating our own toes

That kinda thing

Then I said to him--

'She wanted to find you'

He didn't know what I meant
So I explained to him
That when women like that marry an alcoholic
It isn't a coincidence

They're looking for one

I'd guess that her father was an alcoholic
And because she couldn't fix him
She married Charlie
And waited for him to become
The shipwreck she could salvage

I'd tell you I know this from personal experience
But I think that probably goes without saying

Hearing this seemed to relieve Charlie a little bit
But then realizing that his marriage may have been doomed from the start
Made him even more depressed
And he said--

'God, I really need a drink.  What do they wash the carpet in here with?  Do you think it has alcohol in it?'

I think he was only half-kidding

When the elevator finally got working again
And the doors opened to the lobby
I shook Charlie's hand
And wished him well

He seemed like an okay guy to me

When you work at a firm that handles divorces
What you learn is that there's no such thing
As a one-sided divorce

Either you're the asshole
Or you went looking for an asshole
But either way
Nobody's blameless

I'm sure Charlie was a terrible husband
But sitting across the table from his ex-wife

--And from a lot of ex-wives from that point on--

I can tell you that
There's no such thing in life as a victim

People get trapped in marriages
Because they want to be trapped
Because being trapped is comforting
To some extent

I remember sitting in that elevator with Charlie
And thinking
If it weren't for the fact
That human beings need food, and water, and sunlight
I could have stayed in there forever

And Charlie didn't seem like such a bad guy
To be trapped with

Who knows, right?

Who knows?