Before we begin
Let me just say
That I was so thrilled
When Evil Larry
And Sort of Evil Chris
Asked me to officiate their big day
I bet most of you weren't aware
That I was able to marry people
But being an evil villain
Isn't as lucrative as you'd like to think
With the economy being the way it is
I haven't even been able to afford
Getting my Death Ray fixed
MI-6 has been employing twin secret agents
And when I went to shoot one of them
I caught another one out of the corner of my eye
And I thought I was seeing double again
Like when I tried to blow up Bora Bora with two bombs
And it turned out to only be one place
The explosion really did a number on my cornea and--
Anyway, I fired wrong, and the Death Ray's ray
Bounced off a wall
And hit the gun itself
Which, apparently happens
When you have the Death Ray set to 'Boomerang'
Even though of course
They don't tell you that when you buy it
But that's neither here nor there
This isn't a day about death
It's a day about marriage...
...Okay, so maybe it's a little bit about death
But this isn't just any marriage
This is the first gay marriage
To happen
Right here in my Evil Garden
Which reminds me
Sort of Evil Chris
You might want to stand a bit further away
From those plants
They're genetically engineered
To latch onto a man's genitals
And suck them back into the earth
I wasn't sure it would actually work
Until my brother-in-law came over
And now I think my nephew may remain only child
I can still remember the first time
Evil Larry told me about Sort of Evil Chris
I didn't even know Evil Larry was gay
Until I went to blow up Florida
And he begged me to spare Key West
He thought I would judge him
For being who he is
But I told him
That any man who could get a member of the Scandinavian Royal Family
To smuggle jewels right into Evil Larry's hands
Was okay by me
By the way, what happened with those jewels?
Didn't the Prince tell you he was going to--
A metaphor?
What do you mean a metaphor?
You said he put his jewels right in your--
Ohhh
Well, now I regret e-mailing him
To ask if he'd let my mother
Wear them around her neck for a day
Evil Larry and I were together
When he met Sort of Evil Chris
Chris tried kidnapping a secret agent
And when the secret agent engaged him in combat
Chris knocked him unconscious
Ripped his arm off
And ran off with it
We said--'Chris, you only SORT OF kidnapped him'
And the nickname just stuck
Hahahahaha
Oh, memories
I'm so glad I could be here
To join the two of you
Together
For all time
Because at the end of the day
It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight
Or tall or short
Or have an evil mustache that curls up
Or goes down over your mouth like a Russian labor camp guard
What matters is that
You have someone to love
And hold hands with
While you're torturing Mexican ambassadors
That's what life is about all about
So thank you, Larry and Chris
For having me here
On this special occasion
In your life
And I'd like to apologize on behalf of my evil koala bear, John Tesh
Although I did warn you
That if you made him the Ring Bearer
There was a chance
That he would eat at least one of the groomsmen
I had no idea he would eat Chris's cousin Chet as well
But hey, let's not let little things like that
Ruin our big, gay, evil celebration
Do you, Larry...
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