Charlie's Retirement Party

We were going to throw a little retirement party for Charlie

Nothing fancy

Just some teachers from the department

From the English department

Charlie was mainly a Computer teacher
But there weren't any other Computer teachers

Charlie was pretty much the entire department
So we figured, since he taught a Creative Writing class
That we in the English department would sort of adopt him for the night
And take him out for a nice meal

So I pick him up at his house
And he wobbles down to the car
And buckles up
And says--

'You're not taking me to some stupid dinner at Applebee's, are you?'

I wanted to say 'No, old man, we were going to take you to the Outback'
But I guess he'd consider it the same thing

'Well, Charlie,' I said, 'What is it you'd like to do?'

An hour later
Me and all the other English teachers
Were strapped into go-karts
At Crazy Land

'Charlie,' I said, 'We could run into some students here.'

'Correction,' he said, 'You could run into some students here.  I'm retired.  I'll just be running into bratty little kids.  Maybe I can run a few off the road.'

Then off he went in his little green go-kart

Let me tell you something

I don't know how Charlie was in a real car
But in a go-kart
He was scary

At one point
I saw him go up on two wheels
And do a u-turn on the mini-golf course
Just so we could come in first

'Charlie,' I yelled, 'It's not a race!'

'Of course it's a race, you asshole,' he said, 'Everything's a race'

I took his word for it
Because he's an old man
And ancient Chinese wisdom tells us
That cantankerous old people know things

That night when I brought Charlie home
He looked the happiest I'd ever seen him

'Hey Charlie,' I said, 'Didn't they ever take you on go-karts when you were a kid?'

He looked at me
Smiled, and said--

'No'

And I knew he was telling the truth

I knew there was a lot of stuff
He probably never got to do

'But it's okay,' he said, 'Made tonight all the more special'

He shook my hand
Got out of the car
And went inside his house

That was the last time I saw him

When I got home
My kids were sitting in the living room
Watching t.v.

Normally I go grab a drink
Before I let them tell me
What toy the other one broke
And who flicked boogers on who

But that night, I grabbed both of them
Flung them over my shoulder
Spun them around like a helicopter
Then tossed them on the couch
While they laughed so hard
I thought they were going to piss themselves

Then I said--

'Hey guys, you want your old man to take you on the go-karts tomorrow?'

I figure they shouldn't have to wait until they retire
To have a little fun